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Trying to conceive
03/11/2014 at 16:11
I thought I'd briefly retire from lurker status to update you. I can only describe recently as one of the toughest periods (of time) I've gone through this year. I had been building up for my HSG, thinking that I would get some answers. Unfortunately my last cycle was a strange 24 day one, when I average 27/28 days. I also had old blood up until CD14. Anyway, my HSG was on CD12 and I could only see minimal old blood but when I was 'in position' at the doctors, they were unable to perform it, due to the old blood. I was gutted, and after talking with the doctor who advised me to come back the next month, I left the surgery with my husband with an ache in my heart and tears in my eyes. I know that sounds very dramatic and I'm sorry for that, but it's truly how I felt as I really wanted some answers. On a good note, my bloods came back fine.
Cue a huge fight with my husband. We went to dinner like we had planned and his helpful comment was "just cheer up and try to see the positive side!". I said that whilst I appreciated the fact that my bloods were ok, I still knew something was wrong inside. He said that I didn't know that as I'm not a doctor but when you have brown spotting mid cycle, particularly the amount of old blood I just had, then I think I have good cause to think that there's something that needs to be fixed/removed/etc. Anyway, he called me a spoilt brat (yes, really) because I wasn't getting what I wanted. I tried to reason with him so many times and tried miserably to make him understand that it wasn't me being a diva, it was me being heartbroken. He didn't get that and said that if I wasn't able to handle the stress of this situation, then he doubted my ability to cope with a baby. Which was great to hear! I've spoken to other women who have also had their motherhood abilities called into question during TTC so I know I'm not alone but it hurt so badly. I went to work in tears the next day and cried on the web designer, who is also a friend of mine.
We're ok now - but he has not apologised for what he said and I don't know whether I should push for that, particularly as it was two weeks ago (to be clear, I didn't apologise for anything on my side either). But it makes me realise that I can't talk to him about when I feel heartbroken as he just doesn't (or won't) understand. I still love him, but he hurt me really badly. I still want to be with him and have a baby with him, but I don't know if he'll ever be able to be the sympathetic person I need when that happens. Is this normal? I'm painting him to be a really bad guy when he's not - he just can't handle stuff like this, evidently. I also have a suspicion that because my bloods came back clear, he's got it into his head that it's his "fault" when he's actually still awaiting the results of his second SA (speaking of which he was due to phone the clinic on Friday but still hasn't done it).
On top of all that, I am hating my job right now. Like, REALLY hating it. I'm looking for other things but I'm worried that it'll just be a sidestep which will only mean I'm further stagnating but then if I stay longer at this company doing what I'm doing then I won't progress or learn anything anyway. But even if I was certain that jumping ship was the best thing, there are no other jobs on the ground. Plus there's the whole "if I get pregnant" thing. I'm the first person to say don't let TTC rule your life so I know I need to ignore that but it's still at the back of my mind.
Anyway. That's it from me. My next scheduled appointment for the HSG is next week but that'll be CD7 so I'm going to see if they can push it a week
03/11/2014 at 16:33
Lovely this made me quite tearful. I am so sorry that your Husband said those awful things, he needs to man up to the situation and he definitely should have apologised. Although I agree there's no point in bringing it back up now but he needs to know how you feel and you need to feel that you can talk to him, this is massive otherwise this could really spiral out of control. It is so hard dealing with what you are dealing with, the not knowing, the what ifs, this isn't helping the situation at all. Ultimately you need to be there for each other and support each other and your Husband needs to try and understand how hard all of this is on you. I hope that this HSG can give you some definitive answers and then you can put a plan in place, this will help refocus your mind and work towards whatever course of action is required. For now , I am sending you lots of love and hugs and a reminder that you will weather this storm but the communication thing is huge. Please talk to us as much as you need to love. xxx
03/11/2014 at 20:10
Enjayee I'm so sorry you've had such a awful time. They say TTC is one of the toughest things a couple can go through, but in this time talking to each other is so important. It makes me sad that when you are down you now feel you can't speak to him, I'm concerned that you could start to feel resentful about this and his lack of understanding. Like Claire said it could spiral out of control. Would going to a counsellor be an option for you? My H didn't understand why I got so upset in the early months, but when he did get his head round it and learn how to be there for me it made a huge difference. It sounds like he might also be bottling up his own feelings which can't help.
I hope that you can have the HSG soon and that it helps in one way or another. I think of you often, please let us know how it goes, and come here to let things out when you need to xxx
03/11/2014 at 20:12
oh Enjayee I always keep an eye out for your posts erven though I am more of a lurker now. I am so sorry to read of your post and that your H was ridiculously insensitive and hurtful. I will leave others more worldly for words of wisdom but a big massive hug from me
04/11/2014 at 09:45
Have some hugs first lovely - I hope the HSG goes ahead as planned this time, it's a shame you've got to wait longer to move ahead.
You are 100% not being a diva, and I imagine part of your hubby's problem is his own worries over what's happening, that he can't/won't articulate to you. I do think you need to speak to him, not about the apology as such but about how he hurt you/your worries over fertility etc, or it'll fester and as Claire says you need to support each other through this.
You already know we are always here for you to talk to should you need some other support. xx
04/11/2014 at 10:03
Oh Enjayee, I'm so sorry to read this update. That was a horrible thing for him to say and I don't think it's unreasonable of you to expect an apology. I have no wise words I'm afraid as I have similar convos with my H and they end in screaming matches so I've given up.
I have everything crossed for your HSG xx
04/11/2014 at 11:06
Hi Enjayee I'm so sorry to read this I really feel for you. I have no advice but you know we are here if you need us. I hope the HSG can go ahead and you get some answers xx
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