What your toddler really wants to do!

From swearing in front of your friends to flushing your make up down the toilet, here are all the things the little voice in your toddler’s head is willing him to do…

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  • You will learn a naughty word and use it in conversation

    The best way to add some ‘flavour’ to your everyday conversation is to introduce a smattering of rude words. Listen out next time daddy’s joking with his mate on the phone, or when mummy’s shouting at him for leaving his stinky socks by the bed – you’re bound to hear some new and exciting words to use. The key to making a rude word ‘stick’ is to use it in a sentence in general conversation. Perhaps on your first visit to a new playgroup you could put your hands over your ears and shout, ‘There’s a f***ing din in here, mummy. Let’s go’

  • You will flush something valuable down the toilet

    Just because you’re not toilet-trained, it doesn’t mean you can’t use the loo in some way. Next time mummy’s back is turned, why not carry out a few experiments? You’ll soon discover it’s the greatest toy ever… especially if mummy’s on a water meter.

    The two best things about playing with the toilet are: 1) the splash you get when you drop an item in the water. 2) The way the item disappears forever as soon as you’ve pushed down on the handle or pressed the little button on the top of the loo. Better go and get something else to drop in there.

  • You will lock mummy out of the house

    You think you know mummy – but do you really? A true test of her character is to find out how she copes in a crisis. Why not slam the door shut on her next time she’s bringing in the shopping? She’ll quickly realise she’s locked out without her keys, purse, mobile phone – and that you’re inside. Top tip: Cry loudly to make her stress levels rocket.

  • You will explore the DVD player

    Next time mummy’s removing her disc from the DVD player, watch carefully to find out which button causes the small tray to pop out. If you pull the tray hard enough, you might be able to get it out in one go. Failing that, why not work out what you can put on top of the tray to feed into the machine? A large rice cake fits perfectly.

    Give it a quick suck around the edges before putting it on the tray, to make sure it sticks. Beads, flower heads and the sponge from inside mummy’s powder compact are also worth trying. The humble jam sandwich, cut up small, can usually be relied on to work. You might have to squash it down a bit though.

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  • You will sit at the top of a slide and refuse to budge

    The top of a slide is the most powerful position in the entire playground. Not only can you survey everything from this vantage point, but you also have the power to bring all sliding activity to a complete halt for as long as you choose to do so. Mummy will try to reach up and grab you – retreat further back to avoid her arms. This will force mummy to come up and get you.

    The moment mummy gets to you is the perfect time to set off down the slide.

  • You will get something stuck up your nose

    The inside of your nose is like Dr Who’s Tardis – it’s much bigger in there than it appears from the outside. Why not see what everyday objects you can fit up there? Everyone tries it once. 

  • You will play with the cardboard box instead of the toy

    You can climb into it, hide in it, scribble on it and get dragged around in it. The more you play with the box, the more mummy will want you to play with the toy that was inside it. She’ll offer to play with you and your new toy for as much time as you like – as long as you stop playing with the box. Play with the box. Mummy will still be waiting after you’ve finished.

  • You will learn to unbuckle yourself in the car

    Question: How do you break the silence on a long, boring car journey?

    Answer: Unbuckle your seatbelt!

    Nothing will surprise your parents more on the motorway than discovering you can unbuckle the belt on your car seat. Say, “Look what I’ve done!” and they’ll watch open-mouthed as you clamber down in the well behind the passenger seat. While you’re there listen out for phrases such as: “Pull over now!” “There’s no hard shoulder!” “What does that police car want?” and “It’s my wife’s fault officer”.

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  • You will nick middle of your parents’ bed

    Moving from your cot to a bed is really fantastic… because now you’re free to spend every night with your parents. Wait till they’re asleep, then creep in at the end of their bed and scramble up under the covers. Position yourself in the ‘sweet spot’ – the very middle of the mattress, which is the most comfortable part of any bed.

    Start off curled up like a little cashew nut and once you get into the REM (rapid eye movement) stage of sleep, feel free to truly relax. Bash mummy in the nose with a flailing arm and kick daddy in the willy as you turn yourself 180 degrees.

  • You will tell your babysitter all the family secrets

    Next time mummy and daddy go out, why not sit up all night with the babysitter. She’ll be fascinated by what your family gets up to behind closed doors – especially if she’s a close friend or relative.

    Entertain her with the following secrets:

    • Mummy and daddy are thinking of emigrating soon but don’t want you to know (a good one to share if granny is babysitting)
    • Mummy likes to sit on the sofa watching daytime telly and eating Pringles.
    • Daddy does windy pops in bed.
  • 5 things to stick up your nose

    1. A pea

    2. A peanut

    3. The end of a lipsalve

    4. A button

    5. An olive

  • Mums’ say…

    “He turns bath time into chaos”

    “Max’s new game is to throw whatever he can lay his hands on into the bath. This includes toilet rolls, cuddly toys, his potty and the contents of the bathroom bin! It causes lots of tantrums when my husband and I remove things from his grip.”

    Nicola Amis, 30, from Surrey, mum to Max, 18 months.

    “He says ‘ok’ over and over”

    “Ethan insists on saying ‘ok?’ at the end of each question he asks and he keeps on saying ‘ok?’ until I answer him. When you’ve heard ‘ok’ for the 50th time it really grates.”

    Sarah Briggs, 32, from Essex, mum to Ethan, 4, and Evie, 9 weeks.

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