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'I’m a midwife, here are the bonding myths new mums really need to stop believing'

'I’m a midwife, here are the bonding myths new mums really need to stop believing'

Think you should feel instant love or entertain your newborn all day? The Modern Midwife sets the record straight.

Ruairidh Pritchard

Published: July 29, 2026 at 11:00 AM

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This feature was first published on our Apple News channel. Follow us on Apple News to see content like this first.

There is a quiet pressure that comes with becoming a mum. Not just to feed on demand or master the buggy fold, but to feel a certain way. To bond instantly. To soak up every second. To somehow know exactly what your baby needs.

For many women, the gap between expectation and reality can feel unsettling.

Marie-Louise, known to thousands of parents as The Modern Midwife, has spent 13 years supporting families through pregnancy, birth and those fragile first weeks at home. And she says the same bonding worries come up time and time again.

Here, she separates fact from fiction and explains why many of the beliefs new mums carry are simply not true.

1. “If you don’t feel an instant bond the moment your baby is born, something is wrong.”

The Modern Midwife's verdict: FALSE

The idea of immediate, overwhelming love is deeply embedded in how we talk about birth. Films, social media and even antenatal classes can unintentionally reinforce the message that the second your baby is placed on your chest, everything will click.

But Marie-Louise says bonding rarely works like that.

“False. This is really common and it is dependent on the type of birth you've had as well because that can really impact how you feel about your experience and bonding with your baby. And bonding is something that tends to happen over time and not in one moment.”

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Birth is physical, emotional and, at times, unpredictable. Whether you have had a straightforward labour or needed medical intervention, your experience matters. Exhaustion, shock or simply processing what has happened can all shape how you feel in those early hours.

Rather than a lightning bolt, attachment is usually something that builds quietly, through feeds, eye contact and responding to your baby’s cries. For mums who feel numb, overwhelmed or just unsure at first, that is not a red flag. It is human.

2. “Skin-to-skin only matters straight after birth.”

The Modern Midwife's verdict: FALSE

Most of us have heard of the golden hour, that precious window immediately after birth when skin to skin contact is encouraged. But some parents assume that once that hour passes, the opportunity has gone.

Marie-Louise is clear that skin to skin is not limited to a single moment.

I always say to all of the mums that I care for and their partners, have skin to skin for as long as and often as possible because we know that this supports babies to feel secure and safe. And when they feel secure and safe, it helps their nervous system and brain develop.

Marie-Louise, The Modern Midwife

In practical terms, that can look like unhurried cuddles on the sofa, holding your baby against your chest after a bath, or spending time skin to skin during cluster feeds.

Research shows that when babies feel safe and secure, their stress levels settle. That sense of safety supports brain development and helps regulate their nervous system. It is not about ticking a box in the delivery suite. It is about ongoing closeness.

3. “If your baby prefers one parent, you’re doing something wrong.”

The Modern Midwife's verdict: FALSE

Few things sting quite like handing over a calm baby, only for them to cry within seconds. It is easy for partners to feel rejected or for mums to worry they have somehow created a dependency.

Marie-Louise reassures families that early preferences are rooted in biology, not bad habits.

Most babies will prefer their mum initially and that is because they are most used to hearing their mother's voice all the time.

Marie-Louise, The Modern Midwife

“We know from scientific data and research as well that babies recognise the smell of their mum and even the smell of breast milk if they're breastfeeding. So they will often prefer to be with their mother."

It's not a reflection of how they feel about anyone else. It's just purely that that is their safe place and that changes over time as they bond with other caregivers.

Marie-Louise, The Modern Midwife

In other words, familiarity equals comfort. Babies have spent months listening to one voice and are hardwired to recognise one particular scent. Over time, as they build trust with other caregivers, that circle of security naturally widens.

No one is doing anything wrong.

4. “You need to entertain your newborn all day to build a bond.”

The Modern Midwife's verdict: FALSE

In the age of developmental toys and milestone trackers, it can feel as though you should be constantly stimulating your baby. Baby classes, black and white cards, sensory play, the list goes on.

But Marie-Louise says newborns do not need a packed schedule.

“False. It's impossible to entertain a newborn all day because they do sleep a lot as well, and we shouldn't be trying to entertain them all the time and stimulating them too much."

It's actually the very simple little things that we do every day that aren't elaborate that build a bond and build a brain.

Marie-Louise, The Modern Midwife

Newborns spend much of their time feeding and sleeping. Overstimulation can actually leave them unsettled. Gentle conversation during a nappy change, a lullaby while you tidy up, or simply holding their gaze for a few seconds is more than enough.

It is reassuring for parents who are running on broken sleep to know that bonding does not require elaborate activities.

It's the small everyday moments that help build closeness with your baby

If there is one message Marie-Louise wants parents to take away, it is this.

It's the small little moments perhaps that no one else sees and that's where the magic really happens between the caregiver and the baby.

Marie-Louise, The Modern Midwife

"The eye contact, the singing and also the really simple things like explaining what's going on because that exposes them to different language. And again, that's really important for their development and their understanding of the world.”

Those moments might not make it onto Instagram. They happen in the half-light of early morning feeds or while folding tiny sleepsuits. But they matter.

Eye contact supports connection. Talking through what you are doing introduces language. Singing and soothing tones help your baby feel regulated and understood.

Closeness is not built through grand gestures. It is woven into the ordinary rhythm of daily life.

A supportive guide for expectant parents

For families preparing for birth, Marie-Louise has brought her evidence-based approach together in her new book, The Modern Midwife's Guide to Birthing Your Baby, published in paperback on 8 October 2026 and available to pre-order now.

Grounded in her 13 years of experience at countless births, the book offers practical tools to help parents feel calmer and more prepared. It covers supporting your changing body, understanding the stages of labour and pain relief options, what birthing partners need to know, your legal rights, creating a birth plan that works for you and what to expect when you meet your baby.

Written with warmth and positivity, it is designed to help expectant parents feel informed, empowered and in control as they step into one of the biggest moments of their lives.

And if there is one thread that runs through both her work and her myth-busting advice, it is this: you are likely doing far better than you think!

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Authors

Ruairidh PritchardDigital Growth Lead

Ruairidh is the Digital Lead on MadeForMums. He works with a team of fantastically talented content creators and subject-matter experts on MadeForMums.