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Stop commenting on my son's body: A child psychologist explains why our words matter more than we think

Stop commenting on my son's body: A child psychologist explains why our words matter more than we think

From “he’s such a big baby” to “he’s all skin and bones”, casual comments about my son’s body have followed him since birth. A child psychologist explains why these remarks are never harmless – and how they can shape children for life.

Mother and son holding hands and walking in field at sunset.

Hollie Bond

Published: November 15, 2026 at 10:43 AM

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It started the moment my son was born.

Before I’d even left the hospital, the comments had begun. In my post-pethidine fog I vaguely remember the midwives who weighed him taking bets on his size – “definitely a 10lber” – while messages from friends and family all marvelled at what a big baby he was. As if I hadn’t noticed while pushing him out of my body.

Strangers wanted to know how someone my size had managed to give birth to someone his. (If you’re wondering: an hour and a half of pushing, an episiotomy and a week of not being able to sit down.)

The health visitor told me he was the longest baby she’d measured in a decade. I gestured towards my 6ft 4in husband, unsure what else I was meant to say.

baby hand,Newborn baby hand in mother hand, mother and her baby, happy family concept, beautiful conception image of childbirth.

Every check-up that first year was the same – amazement at how quickly he gained weight, how consistently he sat on the 98th centile. I waited for the “isn’t he cute?” comments, but most people seemed far more interested in his size. Or his flaming red hair – often not kindly.

Now he’s eight, and nothing has changed. He’s still taller than most children his age, but he’s growing up rather than out. So, alongside comments about his height come new ones: “He’s all skin and bones” and “That boy needs feeding up”.

But now he hears them too.

I’ve seen the confusion flicker across his face, the worry as he takes in what’s being said. He often looks at his body in my full-length mirror. Am I wrong? Am I odd? Am I not the right size?

It makes me furious. And it makes me scared for a future of low self-esteem, eating disorders or gym obsessions. All this before he’s even navigated the dark and murky world of social media and how that affects a child’s perception of body image.

If he were overweight, would people feel quite so comfortable commenting on his body in front of him? I doubt it. So why is “too skinny” or “so tall” still considered fair game?

He often looks at his body in my full-length mirror. Am I wrong? Am I odd? Am I not the right size?

And what happens when a child grows up hearing their body talked about like this? Does it slide off them – or does it quietly settle in, shaping how they see themselves for years to come?

To understand the impact these comments can have, I spoke to Dr Emily Crosby, child and educational psychologist, about why body talk is never harmless – and why we all need to think far more carefully about what we say in front of children.

Children are listening far earlier than we think

A cute little multiracial girl, 5 years old, walking with her multi-generation family outdoors in a park or yard. The child is walking between her father and grandfather, holding hands, and looking up at dad. She is Asian and Caucasian. The rest of the family is out of focus behind them.

Many adults assume children don’t really notice comments about bodies until their teenage years. According to Dr Crosby, that simply isn’t true.

“From a young age, children are hyper-aware of comments that relate to their bodies and self-view,” she explains. “That includes not only remarks made about them, but what they hear parents say about their own bodies and about other people.”

Even when comments aren’t directed straight at a child, they’re still being absorbed – and often taken personally.

What “too skinny” or “too big” really sounds like to a child

When adults describe a child’s body as “too skinny” or “too big”, they may think they’re stating a fact or showing concern. But children often hear something very different.

“A child can instantly internalise that they are not good enough,” says Dr Crosby. “They learn that their physical appearance is linked to their self-worth and even their sense of belonging – not just in wider society, but within their own family.”

Those messages can land emotionally long before a child has the language to explain how they feel. And they can be deeply damaging.

These comments can distort their beliefs about who they are and shape the narrative they carry into the future.

Dr Emily Crosby

Children are particularly vulnerable to body-focused language because their sense of self is still forming.

“They haven’t yet developed a secure self-concept or stable self-esteem,” Dr Crosby explains. “So, these comments can distort their beliefs about who they are and shape the narrative they carry into the future.”

What adults see as throwaway remarks can become something a child quietly believes about themselves.

How repeated body comments shape self-esteem over time

Hearing the same comments again and again doesn’t just sting in the moment – it can actively shape how a child sees themselves as they grow.

“Children develop an internal narrative about their body,” says Dr Crosby. “They then seek information that confirms that view – something we call confirmation bias in psychology.”

Over time, those repeated messages reinforce the belief, and self-esteem can suffer as a result.

Closeup view of scales on a floor and kids feet at room

It’s something I’ve noticed my son doing – he often refers to himself as a “giant” or “too tall” and seems strangely obsessed with weighing himself. If the numbers on the scales go up, he’s delighted.

The long-term impact on food, exercise and self-image

While he’s still young and cute it all seems harmless. I even catch myself falling into the trap occasionally, calling him endearments like “skinny malinky” and then immediately regretting it. Because in a few short years, he’ll be a teenager and those endearments might take on a life of their own.

There is strong evidence that early experiences around body talk can influence how children relate to food, exercise and self-image later in life. A 2023 study stated that “parental influence… has been found to have an enduring influence on physical and mental health outcomes with adolescents, particularly for eating disorder cognitions (EDCs), setting longer term foundations of communication and behaviours relating to eating, weight, and shape.”

If fact, everything a child sees and hears to do with food and their body early on can have a huge impact on them later.

“Early childhood schemas around food, exercise and body image often predict how these are viewed in adolescence and adulthood,” Dr Crosby explains. “If children see food or exercise as a form of as punishment – for example exercising because you’ve overeaten – that can reinforce unhealthy behaviours.”

These patterns don’t appear out of nowhere; they often start early.

Why ‘concern’ isn’t a free pass

Many body-focused comments are framed as care: I’m just worried, I’m only saying this because I love them. But intention doesn’t cancel impact.

“Children can be influenced very quickly,” says Dr Crosby. “So early signs need to be reshaped to prevent those beliefs being reinforced.”

boy in the gym

Concern that focuses on a child’s body can still do harm – even when it comes from a loving place.

Grandparents and relatives are often the source of comments, sometimes rooted in older attitudes around food and body size.

“Previous generations may have experienced food scarcity or stricter rules around eating,” Dr Crosby explains. “But we now know these attitudes can contribute to eating disorders and negative relationships with food.”

She stresses that parents are allowed to set boundaries in their own homes – and that eating behaviour is often a symptom, not the real issue.

“Food can become something a child feels they can control when there is so much out of their control,” she says. “In many cases, we have to work with parents to create a more positive environment, rather than focusing on the child.”

It may be uncomfortable to ask family members to refrain from making weight-related comments about your child, but five minutes discomfort is nothing compared to watching a teenager or young adult struggle with their body image or an eating disorder.

Modelling healthier body talk at home

Parents play a powerful role in shaping how children think about bodies. And it can be a vicious cycle that’s hard to break. Unsurprisingly, like my son I grew up with the same negative weight-related comments – including one particularly awful time when a stranger asked my mum, “do you feed that child?” in front of me.

And I’m sure that my subsequent unhealthy relationship with food stems in part from a childhood of unwanted body-related comments. But it’s not all anecdotal evidence, science shows us that parents have a huge role to play.

A 2024 study published in The Lancet that followed over 4,000 children from the 1990s until their early 30s showed that those who had received negative weight-related comments from family had a more negative evaluation of themselves as an adult. Co-author of the study Dr Amanda Hughes followed up by urging parents to be “really careful” when talking to their children about weight.

And a 2025 study showed that parents’ verbal remarks about a child’s weight are more damaging for their later body image than any dieting behaviours the parents model, indicating that words have a huge amount of power.

A determined, and defiant child looks at herself in a mirror.

So how do I break this cycle of damaging body comments for my own children?

“Avoid commenting on specific body parts,” Dr Crosby advises. “Instead, model exercise and a balanced diet as ways to support all round wellbeing.”

Dr Crosby highlights one rule that matters above all: parents should never criticise their own body in front of their child.

“As we know,” she says, “monkey see, monkey do.”

It’s important to remember that body shame is taught and is not something a child is born with. As adults it’s our responsibility to not introduce body shame to our kids.

What to say if your child has already heard the comments

If damage has already been done, it’s not too late to help.

“Start by validating your child’s feelings – ‘that must have been really hard to hear’,” Dr Crosby suggests. “Then gently challenge those thoughts by exploring why it isn’t true, before problem-solving what to do next time those comments come up.”

Repair matters just as much as prevention.

Why ‘too skinny’ is still seen as acceptable

So why do people still feel comfortable calling a child “too skinny”, when most would never say “too fat”?

“There’s a view that calling someone too fat is offensive, but too skinny isn’t,” says Dr Crosby. “In reality, both are damaging.”

Her advice is simple: don’t comment on either.

“We should be supporting an all-round, balanced approach to physical health.”

In short, it’s never ok to make children feel their bodies are up for discussion.

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Authors

journalist and two young kids sat on a bench in France for a review of Eurocamp

Hollie BondSenior Digital Journalist

Hollie is Senior Digital Journalist at MadeForMums. She writes articles about pregnancy, parenting, child health and getting pregnant. She has written for a number of national lifestyle magazines and websites over the past 12 years including Family History Monthly, You and Your Wedding and Muddy Stilettos. She has two children aged 5 and 8 and hasn't slept since 2017!