How to break the cycle of bad parenting and raise your kids differently, according to a psychologist

But if your childhood was traumatic, neglectful or unhappy, becoming a parent can hit differently. The instinct to protect your child from the pain you experienced can feel powerful and overwhelming. However, knowing you want to parent differently isn’t always the same as knowing how.

Breaking parenting patterns you grew up with isn’t as simple as thinking “I’ll be a better parent”. Cycles of unhealthy parenting and generational trauma (the emotional and psychological impact of events like abuse, neglect, discrimination or poverty) can be incredibly hard to unpick. Learned behaviours run deep, and it’s difficult to imagine a new way of parenting when you’ve only ever seen one version of it.

To help you understand what breaking the cycle really involves, and how you can consciously raise your child differently from how you were raised, we spoke to psychologist Laura Gwilt, Senior Psychotherapist at Swift Psychology Services, for her expert guidance.

What is generational trauma and which families experience it?

If your childhood was less than idyllic, yet you can’t think of any major events in your parents or your like – like wars or abuse – that could be to blame you could still be experiencing generational trauma (sometimes known as intergenerational trauma or transgenerational trauma) and it’s important to recognise how the past may have affected you.

“Generational trauma refers to emotional patterns, fears, and coping styles that get passed down through families, often without anyone realising it,” says Laura. It doesn’t necessarily mean something dramatic or catastrophic happened.

“It can simply mean that earlier generations struggled with stress, conflict, emotional absence, criticism, or instability, and those ways of coping were then learned by their children."

Over time, these patterns become familiar and automatic, even if they no longer fit the needs of the next generation.

How to recognise generational trauma in your own parenting style

You might have the best intentions to be a calm, constantly happy and loving parent, but this isn’t realistic even for people who have been raised Brady Bunch-style in a wholesome happy family. Raising kids is HARD for everyone and even the most mild-mannered mother or father can lose their way at times.

But how do you tell the difference between the normal ups and downs of parenthood and being trapped in a cycle of generational trauma and bad parenting practices?

“When we become parents, we don’t start from a blank slate, we carry our own childhood experiences in our body, brain, and emotional responses,” says Laura.

Trauma from previous generations often shows up not as conscious choices but as automatic reactions: the way we respond when we’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed.

That might look like:

• Reacting more strongly than you expected, raising your voice, shutting down, or feeling overwhelmed quickly.
• Finding your child’s crying, clinginess, or big emotions unusually hard to cope with because it stirs something old inside you.
• Feeling a sudden rush of shame, fear, or self-doubt when your child challenges you, as if it confirms an old belief about not being “good enough.

“Even when we’re determined to ‘do it differently’, those early patterns are shaped through years of repetition, and they can be triggered easily in the day-to-day intensity of parenting.”

“None of this means anyone is a bad parent,” says Laura. “It means old templates are showing up. Noticing them is the first step to changing them.”

Which parenting patterns most commonly get passed down the generations?

Families love to attribute good (and bad!) traits or physical characteristics in each other to previous generations. How many times have you heard someone say: “Oh dear, poor thing, she’s got the Johnson nose!” or “Gosh he’s a bit of a wild child – must take after his Great Uncle Paul!”?

As well as physical resemblances and personality traits, families also pass down parenting patterns or emotional issues, and some are more common than others.

“Certain patterns often repeat across generations, even when the circumstances look different,” says Laura. “Common examples include:

• Emotional avoidance – families who don’t talk about feelings, who distract themselves from discomfort, or use humour to steer away from anything painful
• Harsh inner critic – growing up with a lot of criticism can lead to passing on both a critical tone and a deep sense of “never good enough”
• People-pleasing and over-responsibility – children who had to keep the peace or take care of adults often grow into parents who overextend themselves and struggle to set limits
• Difficulty with boundaries – either very firm (“my way or nothing”) or very loose (“I can’t bear my child to be upset with me”)
• Inconsistent or unpredictable care – for example, being warm and engaged some days but withdrawn or irritable on others

“These patterns often began as coping strategies that helped the person get through difficult experiences in their own family. They made sense at the time, but they can create challenges when carried into the next generation.”

Why is it so difficult to break the cycle?

It can be hard to accept that breaking the cycle isn’t just as easy as putting your mind to it. After all, if you’ve got strong willpower when it comes to exercise, eating healthily, working hard etc, why can’t you just be the parent you want to be?

“That’s because our “parent mode” often comes from the emotional brain, not the thinking brain,” says Laura. “Under stress, we flip into automatic survival responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) that were shaped in our own childhood.

“In those moments, we don’t reach for the thoughtful new approach we read about online or in parenting magazines, we reach for what is most familiar, even if we don’t like it.”

Laura has outlined a list of reasons why you may find it hard to switch off your learned parenting behaviours:

• “These patterns are tied to attachment – the way we connected with our caregivers. Attachment templates are deep and relational, not just ideas we can swap out.
• Shame gets in the way – if we notice ourselves repeating something harmful, we often feel ashamed, which makes us defensive or avoidant instead of curious and reflective.
• We’re often parenting without a model - many parents say, “I know what I don’t want to do, but I have no idea what to do instead.”
• Breaking cycles is not about willpower alone. It takes awareness, support and a lot of practice in real-life, messy moments with children.

What are some practical steps parents can take if they want to end the pattern?

Now you understand why generational trauma and parenting patterns happen, here are some practical steps to shaking off your parenting past for the sake of your kids.

“I usually suggest three starting points,” says Laura.

1. Name your story. Gently map out what you experienced: what felt painful, frightening, lonely or confusing as a child. You don’t need to blame, you’re simply noticing patterns.

2. Identify your red-flag moments. Notice the situations where you feel most triggered – for example, your child crying at bedtime, refusing to listen, or needing you repeatedly. These are often the places where old patterns jump in.

3. Choose one small change, not a total overhaul. Instead of vowing to never shout again, pick something specific and doable, such as: ‘When I feel myself about to shout, I will step into the hallway and take three breaths before responding.’ Small, repeated shifts are what rewire the pattern.

“And importantly, offer yourself compassion,” says Laura.

You are trying to parent differently without having been parented that way yourself, that’s incredibly brave work.

Tools and exercises to help:

“Think in terms of micro-pauses, tiny interventions that buy you a few seconds between feeling triggered and reacting,” says Laura.

Laura’s evidence-informed tools:

• Name it to tame it. Silently say to yourself: “I’m feeling really triggered right now,” or “My nervous system is in fight-or-flight.” Labelling emotions activates the thinking part of the brain and reduces reactivity.
• Grounding through the body. Plant your feet on the floor, unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, and take 3 slow out-breaths (longer out than in). This helps calm the nervous system enough to respond more thoughtfully.
• Use a script. Have one simple sentence ready for tough moments, such as: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed; I’m going to take a moment and then we’ll sort this out.” Scripts give you something to reach for instead of an old automatic reaction.
• Tag and review later. After a hard moment, instead of spiralling into shame, say: “That was one of those moments, I’ll think about it later when I’m calmer.” Then, later, gently reflect: What was I feeling? What did I need? What did my child need? What could I try next time?

“These are not about being perfect in the moment. They’re about gradually increasing the number of times you respond differently.”

When do you need to seek help to overcome generational trauma?

If your childhood was very traumatic or you were raised by a distinctive parenting style that has had negative connotations for your own experience as a parent, you might want to seek help to break the cycle.

“Therapy can be hugely helpful because it offers a safe space to explore your own story without judgement, a new, more secure relationship experience that can gently rewire old patterns and practical strategies tailored to your family and your child,” says Laura.

Other supports for generational healing:

• Psychoeducation – good-quality books, podcasts and accounts from qualified professionals explaining attachment, trauma and nervous systems.
• Parenting groups – many local charities, children’s centres and online communities offer low-cost or free groups, which reduce isolation and shame.
• Peer support – talking honestly with other parents you trust can be incredibly regulating. Feeling “not the only one” changes how we cope.
• Self-reflection practices – journalling about triggers, values and intentions as a parent, or using guided exercises, can deepen awareness over time.

“Therapy isn’t the only path, but having some kind of supportive, reflective relationship, where you feel seen and safe, is a key ingredient in breaking cycles,” says Laura.

Can understanding generational trauma improve a person’s relationship with their parents?

“Sometimes, yes – but not always in the way people expect,” says Laura.

Looking into the past to find answers for the future can be incredibly healing and helpful for the new parents and their children but how the older generations respond varied hugely from family to family.

“As parents gain insight into their own childhood and work to respond differently to their children, they often feel more compassion for how limited or unsupported their own parents might have been, find clearer boundaries and shift from feeling like a child to feeling more like an adult with choices,” says Laura.

“In some families, this opens up new conversations and a more honest, respectful relationship. In others, it mainly changes the internal relationship, the way you carry your parents inside you, even if they can’t or won’t change.

Breaking the cycle is first and foremost about protecting and nurturing the new generation. If it also softens or clarifies the relationship with your own parents, that’s a bonus, but it’s not a requirement.

Still worried you’re “messing up” your kids?

Remember no parent is perfect, even if Instagram would have you believe otherwise!

“Children do not need perfect parents,” says Laura. “What they need are “good enough” parents, people who will sometimes get it wrong, but who are able to notice, repair and keep showing up.

“Repair matters more than perfection. When you lose your temper and then come back to apologise and reconnect, your child learns that relationships can recover after conflict.”

And remember this isn’t all on you – so if you feel overwhelmed take a step back to look at the village of people coming together to raise your child.

You are one part of your child’s world. Children are influenced by many relationships, other caregivers, teachers, friends. You are important, but you are not the only factor.

Is it truly possible to completely change generational patterns?

“It’s rare to erase every trace of a pattern, we’re human, and under stress we will always have some old reflexes. But it is possible to change the trajectory for the next generation,” says Laura.

“Think of it as turning a big ship: you may not be able to spin it around instantly, but even a few degrees’ shift in your generation can mean your children, and their children, are sailing in a very different direction.”