Before you start IVF, read this: 10 must-know facts from women who’ve experienced it

However, while it might be the most high profile and talked about treatment for couples experiencing fertility issues, it’s important to note that IVF isn’t the only fertility treatment available and, if you’re only beginning to look into assistance with conceiving, there may be other options that are more suitable for your circumstances.

But if your doctor advises that IVF is the right next step for you, this guide brings together everything you need to know about what it’s really like – with honest insights and advice from incredible women in our MadeForMums community who’ve been through it themselves, alongside expert input from an NHS doctor and a clinical embryologist.

1. IVF can take a long time, so don’t put your life on hold

Each woman’s IVF journey can vary a huge amount in length, from months to decades so, if possible, you need to try and continue to live your life and enjoy the things you normally do and give yourself an outlet outside of the IVF experience.

“The cycle length from first consultation until pregnancy test can vary greatly,” says Philippa Lowen, Clinical Embryologist at TFP Fertility. “This is due to patients presenting with different reasons for infertility and clinics tailoring the treatment to them.

“Prior to commencing an IVF cycle, some patients will require further investigation and treatment, others may opt to use donor gametes, which requires further appointments and time to find a suitable donor.

“Once you are ready to proceed, you will need to wait for the right phase of your menstrual cycle to commence. The stimulation regime used and how quickly your follicles respond to the hormones will determine how quickly you can proceed to egg collection.

“Taking this into consideration, theoretically, you could be taking a pregnancy test a couple of months after your initial consultation, but for most patients, it will be longer. However, if the cycle is taking longer, remember your clinic wants you to have a successful outcome, and the delays are because we are trying to optimise your success.”

Many women we spoke to admitted they hadn’t realised how much waiting would be involved or how long their journey would be before they started.

“Don't put your life on hold. Continue to plan things, book that holiday, make time for you and your partner, still say yes to meeting up with friends – that relief will prevent the process from taking over your life.”

2. Be prepared for the disappointment of the IVF funnel

There are many highs and lows in the IVF process but one thing that many women aren’t prepared for is the loss of eggs and embryos throughout each stage of an IVF cycle – also known as the IVF funnel.

“The IVF funnel refers to the natural loss of eggs and embryos at different stages of development prior to transfer,” says Philippa Lowen. “This can happen for a number of reasons; for example, not all follicles drained will yield an egg; some of the eggs collected will not be mature and capable of fertilisation; and some mature eggs may fail to fertilise.

“Most fertilised eggs will divide to form embryos, but a few do not, and some embryos will stop developing. This is a normal phenomenon and can be seen as a natural selection process, as not all eggs have the potential to fertilise and form viable embryos.

“However, the degree of loss and where eggs or embryos fail to develop further can vary between women. On average, around 80% of eggs collected are mature, of these, 66% fertilise normally, 95% of fertilised eggs form embryos and up to 60% of embryos continue to develop until the blastocyst stage.”

One day you might be being told you’ve had a very successful egg collection only to realise that of these eggs only one or two, or perhaps none at all, are viable for implantation.

“Don’t be shocked by the drop off on eggs,” says Laura Coyle, who had 2 rounds of IVF. “I think I had 13 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilised, 6 made it 24 hours and by day 4 I only had 1 embryo. But it only takes one – the proof is the 3-week-old currently snuggled in my arms!”

Katy Hill agrees: “I had 12 eggs harvested so thought that would equate to 12 embryos – it doesn’t! I think we ended up with two potentially useable embryos, one of which is my almost 5-year-old.”

Try not to be disheartened if the very first stage doesn’t yield many eggs either, as the IVF funnel is different for every woman. “Don't worry if you don't have lots of follicles, or lots of eggs retrieved,” says Jayne G, who went through 6 rounds of IVF.

“On round 1, I only had 2 eggs retrieved. Both fertilised but weren’t amazing quality and one was put back in at 3 days post fertilisation. She’s now a very sassy 8-year-old!

3. Talking to other IVF parents is a lifeline

Until you’re part of the IVF club, it’s impossible to know how it feels to be on this unique rollercoaster ride of emotions, hormones, hopes, wishes, disappointments, fear and waiting. As well as talking and opening up to your partner, it’s important to find other people you can talk honestly to and who will understand exactly how you feel.

“Find other IVFers to talk to,’ says Jayne. “They'll understand and you won't feel guilty for talking to them about it all. I didn't tell anyone when I was going through treatment, I couldn't handle their excitement because they "knew it was going to work this time". But IVF forums helped me.”

“I found it extremely hard to come to terms with us starting IVF while friends and family were falling pregnant naturally.”

“This did put a strain on our relationship because I didn’t want to be around them.”, says Kelly, “I found it super difficult going through IVF alone. I had no friends who had been through it or were going through it, so I joined some Facebook groups.”

And Emerald Devonshire, who conceived through IVF, wishes she’d found her tribe sooner: “I didn’t know there were other women a few roads away from me who were using the same clinic, doing the same tests and treatments as me. I’m now lifelong friends with these people after meeting them at baby groups, but we could have supported each other before the babies came, when we needed more support. It’s incredibly lonely sometimes.”

Many of the IVF parents we spoke to found a lot of comfort in speaking to others on Instagram and in Facebook groups, and the beauty of online communities is you don’t have to share your real name if you want to talk anonymously. Or if you prefer meeting people in real life, ask you clinic if they have fertility circle or support group of other IVFers that you can join.

“I wish I'd known that I wasn't alone.”

“After my first round was unsuccessful, I found a huge IVF/infertility community on Instagram,” says Vicky “I then started sharing my journey and following others on theirs. Unless someone has been through it themselves, they will never fully understand.”

Kassie also found comfort and support in podcasts, as well as groups: “I would recommend the Big Fat Negative Podcast. Start at the beginning when the presenters start their journey too and it really helps you feel like you’re not alone!”

4. Take all the counselling you’re offered

All licensed IVF clinics in the UK are required to offer counselling to their patients, but while some provide it for free, at others you may have to pay extra for it.

You could also ask your GP about NHS counselling services or opt to see a counsellor privately outside of the IVF space.

Whichever route you choose, it’s important to realise that even if you feel strong and mentally prepared for IVF, counselling could make a huge difference to your overall experience.

“IVF can be difficult both physically and psychologically,” says NHS GP Dr Philippa Kaye. “If you are having treatment with a partner, then this stress affects both of you, and it is important to recognise this. Stress and mental health are not a competition, instead try to view this challenge as a team.

“Just as it is important to look after your body physically, it is also important to try and protect your mental health. Counselling is recommended as part of treatment, but it is only mandatory if you are using donor sperm, eggs or embryos. So, keep talking and reach out if you need extra support.”

Katie Chapman, who had 7 rounds of IVF and had a little boy after 15 years of trying, found counselling invaluable: “IVF is one of the hardest experiences to go through. It’s full of hope, love, dreams and extreme amounts of heartache and worry.”

“My advice would be to have the counselling they offer and talk, talk, talk. Whatever emotion you feel is totally valid. Even if you think it’s small, talk about it!”

Tina Jurado, mother of two children conceived through IVF treatment says: “I wish I’d known what a huge emotional rollercoaster it would be and what a strain it would put on my husband and I’s relationship.”

“We had to talk regularly and remind ourselves why we were doing it. We had to try and not take our frustrations out on each other. We’re stronger now because of it but at the time it was so tough.”

5. You can help improve your chances before IVF starts

IVF is a two-way street and you need to work with the doctors and scientists to give yourself the best chance possible of conceiving. Being as healthy as possible before you start treatment (and during it) is important and will help you deal with any physical or mental hurdles to come.

“It is important to consider what you can do in order to be best prepared for fertility treatment. This doesn’t just mean for you as a woman, but is also an opportunity for your partner, if you have one, to look at their own lifestyle.”

“This means stopping smoking, if you are a smoker, as well as decreasing alcohol intake (which should be stopped completely during treatment) as well as decreasing caffeine.

”If you have obesity or are overweight, then trying to lose weight (and I appreciate that this is difficult) can be helpful. Try to eat a healthy, balanced diet, exercise and move your body regularly and don’t forget to take your folic acid.

“Your medical team will take your full medical history as part of your assessment and there may be some conditions which need to be treated before IVF can start. For example, your medical team may recommend optimising blood glucose control if you have diabetes. They will also review your medications to see if they are all ok to continue during pregnancy and if not discuss options with you.”

Some of the women we spoke to agreed that prioritising their health helped: “Work as much as you can holistically to build the quality of your egg and sperm,” says Mirfat Band, who has been through IVF treatment. “It just takes ONE good quality egg and sperm to make a baby. It’s the quality that matters and not the quantity.”

“You need to be in good health.” says Laura. “I’m overweight and was 42 when I had IVF, but I’d made sure I’d taken the recommended supplements and had cut right back on caffeine and alcohol and I don’t smoke or vape.”

6. You may need to advocate for yourself

While your medical team will do everything possible to help you have a positive outcome and IVF experience, you aren’t their only patient, and they will only have a certain amount of time and resources to dedicate to your individual case.

It’s important to advocate for yourself and ask questions about any treatments or procedures you might want to explore.

“Research, research, research,” says Mirfat. “Your clinics, your treatment plan, your condition, food to eat and supplements to take. And advocate for yourself, especially when paying private. Don’t be afraid to seek second and third opinions.”

Kassie, who experienced IVF, agrees that you shouldn’t be afraid to speak up. “Push for as much testing as possible,” she says. “Make sure your partner (if male) is getting tested too. A lot of focus early on is on the female, whereas the male just has semen analysis.”

“Advocate for yourself,” agrees Juliet. “If you want the extra tests, and can afford them, then go for it. Find out as much as you can during each transfer.”

7. Non-NHS funded IVF is a money-making business

As well as being an innovative and life-changing way to help couples conceive babies they wouldn’t otherwise be able to, IVF is also a money-making business, so it’s important to be aware of this before you part with more of your savings than you need to.

Private clinics are free to set their own costs, so if you’re funding your treatment, you will have to shop around and read up on each clinic’s success rates versus cost of treatment to decide.

All private clinics in the UK must adhere to HFEA (Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority) legislation and will only suggest and charge you for treatments or add-ons after explaining the likelihood of it helping you to conceive a baby.

There’s also a colour-coded ratings system for add-ons based on their effectiveness that you can find here. However, there are lots of other unregulated fertility products on the market that are designed to get your hopes up and get you spending money.

“Be wary of fertility gimmicks. My desperation made me susceptible to fertility bracelets, meditation apps, teas, and other random fertility stuff.”

“Instead, it’s best to just stay calm, stay focused, utilise your team and let science and medicine do its thing.”, says Jayne, “It really is amazing!”

If there are treatments you want to pay extra for, do your own research and make a considered judgement on what’s right for you: “Research any add-ons that you are offered,” says Katy.

“We paid extra to have an embryoscope (for closer monitoring of the developing embryos) and for us it was totally worth it. We were sent the footage afterwards, so I have a video of my daughter from two cells old!”

8. IVF on the NHS isn’t just a postcode lottery

As well as taking into account where you live, there are other criteria and limitations as to who can receive IVF or other fertility treatments on the NHS, and this may come as a shock if you’re told you’re not eligible.

This was the case for Fleur Ashley, who has a baby boy after 3 rounds of IVF: “I wish I had known that the number of rounds of IVF offered by the NHS varies, depending on where you live. Even then, there is no guarantee you will be offered treatment.

“I was told that we would not be offered treatment on the NHS, as they felt the odds of success were too much against us and the money, they had to invest wasn’t worth it for them! In the end we paid to go private… had 3 rounds of IVF, resulting in 3 pregnancies but only one beautiful boy made it.”

If you are eligible for IVF treatment on the NHS, you’ll want to do your homework and find out exactly which elements of your treatment are included, how many cycles and what exactly is involved in one “cycle”, as different areas of the country have contrasting definitions.

9. You need to be really organised

It might be time to brush up on your spreadsheet and diary organising skills, because going through IVF treatment requires a level or organisation above and beyond the everyday. You may be required to have tests before you even start the cycle and will need multiple appointments at your clinic throughout.

The number of appointments or procedures involved will depend on the type of fertility treatment needed and what is required,” says Dr Philippa Kaye. “Most involve initial investigations and appointments to discuss options.

“Once a course of action is decided they tend to involve medications and monitoring with ultrasound scans. So, there can be lots of appointments even if a first course of treatment is successful. Unfortunately, it can take multiple courses of treatment so there may be lots of appointments.”

If you work, you’ll want to think before you start treatment about how to divulge to your employer (and your colleagues) and whether they have any policies in place to support you.

“If you are able to speak about this at work then do so,” says Mirfat. “This will hopefully stop you stressing about the appointments or project deadlines you might have to miss or delay due to appointments. There will be lots of scans and blood work – so be prepared!

“Make sure you plan your travel to clinic properly. The last thing you want is to be late for your egg collection. Both you and partner will need to be organised.”

Remember some procedures will also involve time off work and time to recover: “The most invasive procedure for a woman undergoing IVF is the egg collection,” says Philippa Lowen.

“During this procedure a vaginal ultrasound probe with a needle attached is used to enter the ovary and collect the fluid and eggs from the follicles.

“Due to the invasive nature of the egg collection, it is usually performed under sedation or more rarely anaesthesia. Prior to sedation, you will need to fast, and it is recommended that you are not left unaccompanied and do not drive for the first 24 hours.”

You’ll also need to be organised with your injections: “The medications weren't too bad for me as I'm not needle phobic,” says Jayne, “but there can be a lot, so a diary and alarms to help remind you to take them is useful. Especially for that Trigger Shot.”

“Check out your work policies,” says Juliet. “They might cover IVF and so you might be entitled to extra time off for appointments. And there will be a lot of appointments at the clinic in the run up to embryo transfer.”

10. The meds can take their toll, but the needles aren’t as bad as you’d think

“Some IVF protocols involve downregulation,” says Philippa Lowen. “The drugs used to downregulate your normal menstrual cycle can cause menopausal symptoms including headaches, hot flushes, mood swings and poor concentration.

“The hormones used to stimulate the follicles, which are used in all but natural cycles, can cause breast tenderness, bloating and occasionally nausea. These hormones can also make you more emotional. Finally, the hormones used to maintain the lining of the womb can cause breast tenderness, bloating and constipation.”

“The meds can knock you a bit,” says Laura. “My first round I felt nauseous and had headaches and tummy cramps. But the needles are not as bad as you think. They are tiny - I’ve had worse blood draws and vaccinations than the IVF injections.”

Kelly agrees: “From someone who has a fear of needles, they don't hurt as bad as you would think... thankfully!”