How to help your older children welcome a new baby without tears, tantrums or jealousy

But, with some planning and understanding, you can help make the introduction as smooth as possible and set the foundations for a positive sibling relationship.

We spoke to Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and originator of a relationship-based parenting model called Peaceful Parenting, as well as some real mums from the MadeForMums community, about the best ways to approach introducing your children.

Preparing your child before the baby arrives

It’s important to prepare your child/ren for the arrival of their new sibling in advance of them coming home so that they aren’t blindsided by such a big change.

Start the conversation at the right time

Avoid telling your toddler too early, as a long wait can be difficult for little ones to understand. Even six months is a long time for a toddler to wait. It could be best to wait until you are visibly pregnant before talking about the new arrival.

Help them realise that a new sibling is a good thing

While it’s important for your children to understand that they might get less time with you, or less attention from you, it’s also helpful to point out the benefits of having a new friend/ally/confidante.

Draw your child’s attention to families with more than one child, both that they know in real life and in books, films, and TV programmes. Or point out brothers and sisters playing together in the park and discuss the fun of having someone to share with.

Encourage independence

Help your child get used to doing things for themselves, such as putting on their shoes or tidying away toys. And encourage your child to play quietly on their own at times. This will be helpful when you are busy with the new baby, especially during feeds.

Involve your child in preparations

Let your child help choose items for the baby, decorate the nursery, or pack their own overnight bag if they will be staying elsewhere during the birth. This helps them feel included and important.

Creating a positive atmosphere

Make the baby’s arrival a celebration. Decorate the house together, talk excitedly about the new sibling, and help your child feel proud of their new role as a big sibling to help shape how your children view each other.

The first meeting

When the big moment comes, try to give your older children all your attention.

“If your child is not present at the birth, you will want her to visit you as quickly as possible after the baby is born, when other visitors aren’t there,” Laura says.

“Emphasize your joy at seeing her, rather than your preoccupation with the new baby. For her, it’s likely that the separation from you was the big deal. The baby may be almost an afterthought, and that’s fine. The baby isn’t going anywhere.”

Try to have the baby separate from you when your children first see you

If you’re having your child/ren visit you in hospital after the birth, make sure you are not busy feeding the newborn when they arrive and greet your child/ren warmly with a big cuddle before introducing the baby.

If you’re bringing baby home, Laura has some different advice: “When you bring your newborn into the house for the first time, let someone else carry the baby in. It’s best if the mother, and if possible both parents, can enter with their arms open wide to hug their older child or children,” she says.

Give gifts ‘from the baby’ and to the baby

A present “from the baby” left in the crib or carrycot can help your older child feel valued and included.

Equally, having the older child/ren choose and give their new sibling a gift can be helpful, too.

“Once the children have met and had time to bond a bit, have a little gift exchange. Give your child a card and wrapped present addressed to him, from the baby,” Laura says. Then, “let big brother ‘help’ the baby open the present he has wrapped for her, and explain to the baby how he picked it out. Tell big brother how much the baby loves it and loves him.

“This little ritual goes a long way to create a positive feeling toward the baby. And because the present will be important to your infant, your older child will be able to take pride in it for years.”

Encourage gentle interaction

Allow your child to touch the baby gently as often as they like, under supervision. Encourage them to show the baby to visitors, but make sure visitors pay attention to your older child first.

“Let your child sit and hold the baby, helping him to support her head,” Laura says. “The more your older child snuggles his new sib, the more protective he’ll feel toward her.”

Keep it intimate

“Limit visitors, even extended family. It’s usually best to keep the first day just for immediate family. Kids (and parents) get overwhelmed with the stimulation of too many visitors,” Laura says.

“What kids need most is the chance to bond with parents and the new sibling as a family without other people around.”

Helping your child adjust

Once the excitement of the first meeting is over, older children have to adjust to life with a new sibling. It’s here where things might get tricky — as children realise just how much time and parental attention a new baby takes up, they might start to reflect that in their behaviour. This will subside over time as your children get used to their new norms, but there are a few things you can do to ease the transition.

Try to maintain routine

Try to keep your older child’s usual activities and routines in place, such as classes or regular outings. Continuity helps them feel secure.

“If your child is used to snuggle time as he wakes up every morning, find a way for him to still get that time to anchor him for the day,” Laura says.

“He needs a larger world to keep the baby in perspective. Take him to the playground or park to run around. If he goes to school, send a snack for the class with a birth announcement photo of big brother holding his new baby.”

Involve them in baby care

Let your child help with small tasks, such as passing a nappy or gently stroking the baby’s back. This fosters a sense of responsibility and inclusion.

“It’s always more work for you to include your older child, but he needs to know that he has an important role to play as big brother, and that he is not being left out,” Laura says.

Try saying things like: “Your brother is fussing…I wonder what he needs? He’s just been fed and burped. Do you want to help me sing to him?” Laura says.

“Most young children love to be helpful and will take pride in being your assistant, running to get wipes or throw away diapers. If your child rebuffs your invitation, no worries. Offer again next time, and every time. Remember, you’re inviting your child to take part, not pressing him into service.

“When your child does participate, acknowledge with gratitude: “Thank you for getting these wipes, this is just what I needed, and it was so helpful to me not to have to get up.” Your child will glow with pride, as he learns that part of becoming a big brother is being able to contribute in new ways to the family.”

Spend one-to-one time

If possible, make time each day to focus solely on your older child/ren, even if it is just a few minutes of reading or playing together.

“Let him go on “special” errands with one parent while the other parent stays with the baby,” Laura suggests.

And make sure it’s not always one-on-one-time with the same parent. “Your child has a separate relationship with each parent. She needs both of those relationships to be nurtured,” Laura says.

Acknowledge feelings

It is normal for children to feel jealous or act out as they adjust. Accept their feelings and avoid using the baby as an excuse for not doing things. Instead, use positive language, such as “When I’ve finished feeding the baby, we’ll play together.”

“Remember your older child might still be very little. Given the stress on him, he’s likely to act less mature, at least right now. Expect regression. He deserves your babying, too,” Laura says.

Praise and reassurance

Lavish your older child with praise and cuddles, and remind them how lucky the new baby is to have such a wonderful big brother or sister.

One way to subtly praise your older children can be when speaking to your baby — they won’t know the difference!

Here’s an example from Laura: “’You are so lucky to have Brooklyn for a big sister. She’s been reading about babies and taking care of her doll; she knows just what babies need. And wait until she shows you how she can turn the light on all by herself!’”

Talk to the baby about their older sibling

You can tell the baby when you are giving your older child/ren attention, just like you might tell them to wait a minute while you look after the baby’s needs, so they feel equal and know that the baby has to take turns, too.

Laura says: “Help your older child to feel like she doesn’t always come second by telling the baby, at times when he is actually quiet and happy, ‘I am helping your sister with her shoes right now, so I can’t pick you up yet. I will be with you in a little bit. Everyone has to wait a little bit sometimes.’”

Help your child understand that babies will grow up too

Just like you spoke to your child/ren about the arrival of a new baby, it can be helpful to help them visualise the future with the baby too — especially if a fun playmate is in their future.

“Your child can’t imagine that this screaming baby could ever be a playmate, and he’s bound to feel terribly disappointed. Talk about how when he was a baby, he was helpless, too, and everyone fussed over him, and he grew and look at him now! Show him pictures of when he was born and how he grew, so he can imagine his new sibling growing, too,” Laura says.

Practical tips for a smooth transition

• Avoid other major changes, like starting nursery or moving house, close to the baby’s birth if possible.
• If your child is moving into a “big bed” or sharing a room, make the change before the baby arrives so it does not feel like a result of the new sibling.
• Prepare your home for the baby’s arrival in advance to reduce stress and allow more time for your older child.
• If your children will be close in age when the baby is born, have some tried-and-tested ways to keep the older child/ren occupied while you feed the newborn — like placing them in a high chair to keep them still, or roughhousing with them beforehand so that they are happy to sit still and do something quietly.

Dealing with jealousy or anger

Jealousy is common and often unavoidable. If your child regresses and wants to have their nappy changed or be picked up a lot, accommodate them, but also gently remind them that they can do things the baby can't yet, like pee in the potty. Try distraction if they are upset, and do not get angry if they show signs of jealousy.

Laura says that acknowledging and accepting feelings of jealousy or anger is key.

“Your child is bound to have some complicated feelings about the baby’s arrival. If you can accept those feelings as normal, so will he. That gives them less power. Over time, his fear will settle down, his love will grow, and his relationship with his sibling will blossom,” she says.

If your child feels that they shouldn’t have these feelings, or they can’t talk about how they are feeling, this may lead to behaviours like aggression, defiance, clinginess, or whining, Laura says.

“Children adapt best to new siblings when parents make it clear that all feelings are normal and acceptable, even while not all actions are permitted,” she says.

Remember — every family is different, and each child will react in their own way. With patience, consistency, and lots of love, most siblings will soon adjust and begin to form their own special bond.

How real mums approached newborn introductions

We asked members of the MadeForMums Top Testers Club about their experiences introducing their children to their newborns. Here’s what they said:

Kimberley Vickers Smith: “My eldest was 2.5 when my youngest was born and she didn't initially take to her too well.

"She always stood around 6ft away from her and wasn't interested in her in the slightest. She started to tantrum quite a lot and said she "wanted her mummy back" which was the most heartbreaking thing to hear in the postpartum period! My youngest is breastfed and has always been a boob monster, she's also a Velcro baby so spent a lot of time attached to me. I do feel my eldest resented her at first.

"We tried to involve her in everything, changing nappies, asking her to help us out by bringing some baby wipes over, etc., and she did come round. It feels like my eldest has a closer bond with my husband now, but she is also still very close to me. The little ones are now 1 and 4 and are beautiful together. They give each other cuddles all the time! They do argue and the little one snatches toys from the older one but the eldest is so patient with her.”

Gintarė Deimantavičiūtė: “We talked about the baby in mummy’s tummy with my eldest a lot before her sister arrived, which helped. Also, when she came to the hospital to meet her little sis, there was a personalised book and a chocolate bunny waiting as a ‘gift from the baby’ which she remembers and talks about until this day.

"In the beginning, my eldest wasn’t too fussed about her baby sis, but now gives her lots of kisses and cuddles and asks to play with her, even though she’s definitely too little to do puzzles with her!”

Annu Sarah: “My son was 5 years old when I had my daughter. He was really excited before my delivery, but when he came to see her in the hospital, he was like, ‘Yeah she is here now.’ He just saw her, gave me a hug, and then started playing with his toy car. To be honest, I was disappointed by his reaction, but when we came home, he loved holding her.”

Rebekah Sybil-Rose Lewis: “My eldest is 4 and autistic so we had to start prepping her early when we found out we were pregnant to try help her understand what a sibling is. We bought new sibling books and read them in the morning before and after nursery. We also let the nursery know so they could support her with that transition. We started to use her baby doll a lot to help her understand too.

"At first, she was mostly indifferent and would hold her a few times a month. She also would show jealous tendencies if myself or her dad held the baby at times.

"Our baby is now eight months old, and she plays with her and helps me take care of her. Sometimes she can be jealous but not as much as she did.”

Becky Grubb: “My oldest was terrified when we bought his sister home! He was 2 weeks away from turning 3 and did struggle initially. He didn’t want to be too close or touch her! Within a few days we would catch him sneaking in a touch and getting closer to her and he quickly became besotted with her!

"They are 3 and 5 now and the best of buds! When my 3rd was born my 2nd was a little bit anxious about the new baby. Luckily my oldest was so excited for a little sibling his immediate love encouraged my 2nd to be the same pretty much straight away!”