Think parenting is hard? Try doing it with autism and ADHD

And when it comes to ADHD, The ADHD Foundation estimates that 50–75% of the one million women in the UK with ADHD are undiagnosed.²

Mum-of-one Jessica Whalley was among this number until she had her son, Jude, in 2014. After three decades of feeling "different", she finally decided to find out why. At the age of 38 she discovered that she was autistic and, a couple of years later, was also diagnosed with ADHD.

Becoming a parent is a monumental experience for anyone, but for Jessica it gave her the push she needed to understand why her life so far had been "a big rollercoaster of struggling with family issues, social issues, many jobs and my mental health."

To help other parents understand how to navigate parenthood with ADHD, autism or both, Jessica has written a book, The Autistic Mom, which sheds light on her deeply personal journey as an autistic and ADHD mother raising a nonverbal autistic son.

We spoke to Jessica to find out exactly what it feels like to parent when you're neurodivergent or think you might be, how it affects day-to-day life, the things that come naturally and the things that don't, and why getting a diagnosis as a parent could be the best thing you'll ever do.

Why did you decide to pursue a diagnosis as an adult?

"Ten years ago I had my son, which completely changed my life. If I hadn't had him, I would never have found the knowledge or made this connection, so I dread to think what would have happened.

"I have always been 'different'. I've always liked planning and organising. I've never liked change and have always had routines."

"However, it wasn't until 2018 that the way I am became unbearable for me to live with.

"Following my diagnoses, I finally had an answer as to why I am how I am and who I have always been. I am so grateful for the journey I have been on and have never been happier or more at peace. But it has been a very long and hard journey."

What's the hardest thing about parenting when you have autism and ADHD?

"Parenting for any parent of any child is hard at times. Anyone who says it's easy is lying – or has a team of nannies! However, if you are also neurodivergent, whether you know it or not, it is much more of a struggle. But there are ways in which you can learn to support yourself on this journey, as I have done.

"The hardest adjustment for me was the constant, overwhelming worry that comes with being a parent. That never ends and I've just had to get used to it. In fact, it's becoming more difficult as my son gets older because I have less control over him and what he's doing, and who he's spending time with.

"When you become a parent your environment changes outside your control, especially when it comes to sensory stimulation. There's often a lot of crying as your baby gets used to the world, you are in constant demand for physical touch and are surrounded by a whole new set of smells.

"Sleep deprivation can also cause extreme overwhelm as your brain cannot recharge and recover. There is undoubtedly mess and disruption to how you normally live, and your routine is completely altered.

"The change to your routine, social life… everything, it's not something that you can prepare for. You're no longer who you have been your entire life and never will be again.

"For deep thinkers like me, the worry of having a child can be overwhelming. However, I know this is only because of the love I have for my child and it's something I have learned to manage positively."

And the easiest?

"I've read that some people think autistic people can't be good parents because they're selfish and couldn't look after a child. This is false – I am obsessed with my son.

[Pull quote]"My neurodivergent ability to hyperfocus and learn about subjects important to my son has undoubtedly helped him so far in life."

"That will continue to be the case until he finds his voice and becomes independent – and probably still then, let's be honest.

"I can also understand him and relate to him in a way that others can't. Some of the ways that Jude needs to be supported come easily for me as it is part of me too. For example, routine and repetitiveness of detail."

What are the best bits about parenting with a neurodiversity?

"Leveraging neurodivergent traits to your advantage, such as the ability to hyperfocus!

It's okay to parent differently and use your neurodivergent traits as strengths.

"Routines, repetition and deep empathy can be superpowers when raising a neurodiverse child. Remember, strategies that work for you are valid: whether it's to-do lists, alarms or strict routines, use whatever helps reduce overwhelm and manage daily life effectively.

"And don't forget that rest and self-care are essential: schedule breaks, alone time and mental decompression. You can't parent well if you're constantly depleted​."

How have people reacted to you being diagnosed as an adult?

"Some people didn't understand why I needed to go through the process at an older age as I had 'coped' so well for 38 years. What they don't know is how difficult it is, and has been, for me internally my entire life though.

"I have explained this in detail to those closest to me, and in general people have been very positive and think what I have done is brave. I also get a lot of other mums contact me via Instagram to ask for advice and support, which I love to do."

How has your diagnosis changed your life?

"Having a diagnosis isn't needed to use as an excuse, but so the neurodivergent person can understand why they feel different and how that affects them. So they know that there is nothing 'wrong' with them, just that their brain works differently.

Having a diagnosis allows the person to understand themselves.

"It can also help them to find the best methods to manage the difficulties that their neurodivergence may bring, because there are many, and different things work for different people. This enables them to live a healthier, happier and more positive life.

The knowledge, the changes to my lifestyle and the medication have been genuinely life-changing in a positive way.

"Going undiagnosed drastically affects lives. Undiagnosed people are statistically more likely to struggle with their learning, mental health, alcohol and drug abuse, poor physical health, keeping a job, having healthy relationships and having issues with debt, all of which have a hugely detrimental effect on their lives."

Do you wish you'd been diagnosed earlier?

"I don't like to dwell on what could or should have been. I know that many late-diagnosed adults, particularly females, grieve the childhood they could have had if things were different, but for me that's an unnecessary way of thinking and doesn't help anyone.

"I have learned how to live with a completely positive view of my whole journey."

The Autistic Mom by Jessica Whalley is available to purchase in paperback for £13.99 on Amazon.

References:

^{1. Autism in England: assessing underdiagnosis in a population-based cohort study of prospectively collected primary care data, O'Nions, Elizabeth, et al, The Lancet Regional Health, Europe, Vol 29, June 2023}

^{2. A Call to Action: The Majority of Women with ADHD are being left behind by the health system, The ADHD Foundation, 2021}