'I’m a sex expert, here’s how to get your sex life back on track after you’ve had a baby'

It’s not easy, and I’ve been there. It’s why I wrote my book Get Your Mojo Back, Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth. For me, sex after birth was a nightmare, and the more I admitted this to people, the more I realised I wasn’t alone.

We’re so busy pretending that we’re ‘fine’, that we forget that maybe we aren’t.

And it’s fair enough. We have to learn how to: feed the baby; change the baby; get the baby to sleep; and stop it crying. We learn how to: make coffee and toast with one hand; occasionally get dressed before midday; and how to shower in 60 seconds of baby calm.

All of those things are baby-centric. Of course, keeping the baby alive is important. But what about keeping you alive, too?

How do you deal with sleep deprivation, a newly tender body, complete disorientation and an unfamiliar routine? How to handle the mental switch of becoming responsible for a whole human being?

New parenthood is a complete shift, and that can be beautiful, but it’s a little challenging. When we’re not feeling ourselves, everything we are is thrown into question. Sex is part of our pre-baby identity, so it often feels like a huge hurdle to overcome after birth.

When you’re ready to think about yourself and identity again, sex will be part of that rediscovery. Coaxing smiles from yourself, rather than just your baby, is really important. Time and pleasure for you – even if you can’t remember what that actually feels like.

Here are some tips that will help.

How to… feel sexy in your post-birth body

The female body is amazing. It can grow an entire new human, including a new organ (the placenta) to feed it. It expands to fit a new life and then adapts to that empty space after the birth. It’s a true transformation. But whilst it’s natural, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept.

Don’t allow societal expectations to shame you into thinking you need to ‘lose your belly’ in just a few weeks.

Give yourself time. Growing a baby bump in nine months feels both lightning fast and slow as a snail. The recovery period should be at least nine months, too. Don’t allow societal expectations to shame you into thinking you need to ‘lose your belly’ in just a few weeks.

Your body is incredible; it can be stronger afterwards than it ever was before, but you don’t need that to happen overnight. In fact, your recovery will be better if you take your time over it.

In this phase, you might not feel as sexy or confident as you once did, so give yourself a break, learn to accept and show yourself some love. Get to know your body again - look at it in the mirror, explore your scars. Masturbate and learn what turns you on now. Your body is different, your pleasure might be different too.

See a women’s health physio about your pelvic floor recovery, literally at the core of your body’s strength and vital to pleasurable sex too.

How to… rediscover your libido

For many new parents, libido is nonexistent. Sex without feeling turned on isn’t fun for anyone. Sex shouldn’t be an expectation or duty. You deserve enjoyment too.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard from new mum clients who’ve been told by a healthcare professional that discomfort or numbness in sex is ‘normal now you’ve had a baby’. My doctor was entirely unconcerned when I mentioned how painful postpartum sex was for me. I should relax, he said.

Women often need to feel desire mentally before their body responds with physical arousal.

But it’s nearly impossible to relax when you’re stressed. And if you’re a new mum, you’re stressed, sleep-deprived and hormonal. Women often need to feel desire mentally before their body responds with physical arousal. So, it’s doubly important to get in the mood first, both for pleasure and physical comfort.

Treat foreplay as more than just a 10-minute fumble before penetration. Renowned sexual psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “foreplay starts the minute sex ends.” Meaning that even small moments of intimacy in everyday life contribute to feeling desired and desiring; so when it comes to sex itself, it’s much easier to make the transition to sexy time.

Make time for yourself alone! Reconnect with the idea of pleasure for you only. Doing something sans baby (even a walk around the block or coffee with a friend) is so rare as a new parent. Make those moments non-negotiable and it will help underline the fact that you matter, and so does your pleasure.

How to… get back to having sex for fun rather than making babies

Many couples spend a long time trying to get pregnant. So, sex becomes less about connection and more of a chore. Now that your little one has arrived, it’s time to remember that there’s a reason for sex other than procreation!

I felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea that my vagina could be both the creator of life and a receptacle for pleasure. You might also need time to adjust to the duality of your body. If so, make sure to talk to your other half about how different the role of your body is and how that makes you feel.

Conversation leads to connection, and connection is really what sex is all about.

Build up to sex slowly – it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Incorporate small moments of romance to help yourself adjust to the idea of intimacy again. Rediscover kissing for kissing’s sake. Take your time. Allow yourself some breathing space to adapt to your new reality and relax with each other. Conversation leads to connection, and connection is really what sex is all about.