No one talks about sex after kids – but these 15 mums reveal what it’s really like

From pain after a tear to breastfeeding hormones, from the sheer mental load to the feeling of being “touched out” before the day’s even begun, there are so many reasons sex slips way down the list.

That’s why we asked 15 real mums to share exactly what sex after kids is like for them – the honest, awkward, funny and emotional bits you don’t hear about during small talk at baby sensory classes.

So, if sex seems like it belongs to a previous life or you worry you’ll never find time to be intimate with your partner again, fear not, because these mums prove that you’re not alone. Plus, our sex expert Clio Wood, author of Get Your Mojo Back, Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birt,h has some brilliant tips for getting back in the sack successfully even when your life is ruled by kids.

"Sex was a big fat no because I was still in so much pain!"

Pushing a watermelon-sized baby out of your body is no mean feat and comes with certain undesirable consequences, including tears (of varying degrees) or the need for an episiotomy (a surgical incision to enlarge the vaginal opening). Ouch!

After birth, these will be stitched up by a midwife or doctor, and many women experience lots of swelling and pain in the days, weeks, months and even years afterwards.

So, the first time you decide to get intimate again can be pretty scary – the mere thought of anyone touching you or inserting anything “down there” is enough to put some women off the idea entirely.

He thought he was getting lucky… then I started crying.

“The first attempts [at sex] after about three months were a big fat no because I was still in so much pain,” says mum Kate from our MadeForMums Club. “I felt bad for my husband because he thought he was getting lucky, and then I was crying, so he was not! But, after maybe four or five months, it started to get easier with less pain, and we're probably way more connected than we used to be before having a baby.”

Mum Samantha agrees that it can take months after a vaginal birth to feel physically ready: “It took me around four months after an episiotomy (and a nearly 10lbs baby) to feel like I was able to have sex again due to the pain and exhaustion. Even then, it didn’t feel great for about a year, and I was just going through the motions! But unbelievably, my midwife told me that she has walked in on couples having sex in hospital hours after the birth of their baby!”

If you’ve had a caesarean section, you may find you can have sex without pain a lot quicker, although of course, you’ll have a scar from surgery to think about and potential pain from that.

Emma from our MadeForMums Club found a real difference in recovery between a vaginal birth and a c-section: “My first birth was very traumatic – forceps, episiotomy and two tears. It took about seven weeks until everything healed. I think we tried about eight weeks down the line, but things were still uncomfortable for another month or so.

“My second baby was a c-section, and we had sex about two weeks after without any issues.”

Expert advice: “Give yourself time,” says Clio Wood. “Growing a baby bump in nine months feels both lightning fast and slow as a snail. The recovery period should be at least nine months, too.”

"I cried after sex — I had no idea that was a thing"

You might be physically ready for sex and feeling confident that it’ll be pleasurable again, but your hormones might have other ideas. Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding all contribute to a huge hormonal shift in your body that can result in all sorts of emotional and physical responses.

There’s even a term for this – postcoital dysphoria (PCD) or more commonly the post-sex blues. Women suffering from postnatal depression are more likely to suffer from PCD too.

The reason for feeling suddenly sad or emotional before, during or after sex is due to a sudden hormone drop – a surge of feel-good hormones during arousal and orgasm that drops off and leaves you feeling sad or resulting in tears.

Postpartum women, especially those who are breastfeeding, are also more susceptible to oestrogen level changes, which increase emotional vulnerability, while high prolactin levels stimulate milk production and often suppress a woman’s libido.

I felt more embarrassed than anything else.

“I remember after my first baby, we had sex and after the deed was done, I started crying,” says Laura from our MadeForMums Club. “My hormones were all over the place, but I felt more embarrassed than anything else. And now I have two kids, so he's lucky to even get close to me!”

And if you’re suffering from PND, sex can be the last thing on your mind: “It took us about six months as I was suffering with PND and my partner was so tired with the sleepless nights,” says Jade from our MadeForMums Club. “When we finally had sex again, it was different from pre-baby, and it took us a while to get back into the swing of things. It took us a while to feel like ourselves again.”

Expert advice: “Women often need to feel desire mentally before their body responds with physical arousal,” says Clio. “So, it’s doubly important to get in the mood first, both for pleasure and physical comfort. Treat foreplay as more than just a 10-minute fumble before penetration.”

"I'd quite happily never have sex again"

Even women with a really high sex drive can suddenly experience absolutely zero desire to have sex after they've had a baby, due to a combination of exhaustion, hormones, disconnect with their new body and a lack of spontaneity.

"My libido is just non-existent since having the kids, and I’d quite happily not have sex," says mum Bex from the MadeForMums Club. "And when we do have sex, sometimes I just want to be done quickly, but then feel guilty about it. We didn’t even attempt anything until I was at least three months postpartum, and with the second, it was closer to six months."

We didn’t have sex for a year – it was actually my husband who didn’t want to.

And it's not just new mums who struggle to rediscover their libido after birth. Some new dads don't feel the urge either...

"My friends and I all found it hugely depressing to see stories about men desperate to have sex ASAP post birth… whereas ALL of ours were totally not interested," says Sarah. "It took me almost a year after my second baby. I think my husband was trying to be caring, but actually, it was quite miserable. I think this is a side of the story that gets neglected – whether it’s breastfeeding getting in the way or something else, I think it can frequently be the men who are losing interest, which is a worry."

So, what can you do if neither of you feels like sex and there's no-one willing to instigate some intimate time?

Expert advice: "Even small moments of intimacy in everyday life contribute to feeling desired and desiring; so when it comes to sex itself, it’s much easier to make the transition to sexy time," says Clio. "Masturbate and learn what turns you on now. Your body is different, your pleasure might be different too."

"Breastfeeding turned my boobs into a no-go zone"

Before baby, a mere glimpse of your braless breasts may have been enough to have your partner get turned on and lead you towards the bedroom. But after the baby, suddenly those breasts have another role entirely - to feed your baby. This can be both a sexual desire killer for your partner as well as for you.

"In terms of practicalities, when we had sex in the early days of breastfeeding, I had to wear a bra as I didn't feel like spraying my husband with breast milk, whilst we were getting busy," says Annika. "Not sure that would've set the right tone!"

And for many women, their breasts while breastfeeding (and for many years after) can be a no-go zone.

"I breastfed for the first three years of my son's life, and the thought of being touched there was a huge no," says Rita "I was (and still am) massively exhausted, overstimulated and literally just don't want to be touched there. I think we've literally had sex six times in the last three years – poor bloke!"

For some women, it's hard to ever feel sexy in that way again after breastfeeding: "Sex is unfortunately nonexistent for us," says Amina. "I breastfed all of mine for a year or two of their lives, and that put a massive barrier up for me. Since our third was born five years ago, we haven’t done the deed at all as we are both so exhausted and never get the bed to ourselves. Despite the no sex, 20 years into our relationship, we are still a strong team."

Sex is nonexistent… but we’re still a strong team

Some couples find that their sex life actually improves or becomes more active after babies, although this isn't particularly common. However, even couples who are still sexually active find hormones play havoc with their sex drive: "Sixteen years in and six children later, my partner and I still have a very active sex life," says Kylie.

"It has slowed down since having our youngest, who is 10 months, but he is still currently breastfeeding, and it does wipe me out. I spoke to my GP about how my sex drive has dropped, and she assured me that due to hormones during breastfeeding, it's actually pretty common."

And if it's not the breastfeeding putting you off, there are many other post-birth conditions and hormonal issues that can arise to make sex less than enjoyable:

"With my second, I got lactational atrophic vaginitis, which is essentially a menopausal state brought on by breastfeeding!" says Amy. "It was absolute agony, and I couldn't have any sex for at least 6 months. I'm a year down the line and still breastfeeding and still massively affected by the vaginitis, so we need to use so much lube and clitoral stimulation to even get it started at all. It's absolutely awful and really makes me dread sex."

Expert advice: "In this phase, you might not feel as sexy or confident as you once did, so give yourself a break, learn to accept and show yourself some love," says Clio. "Get to know your body again - look at it in the mirror, explore your scars."

"There’s always someone within earshot"

You might feel like having sex with your partner, but the practicalities of getting intimate when you've got young kids in the house can be tricky. It's not like you can just seize the moment anymore and be spontaneous when there are little ones around. Many parents told us that this (as well as being exhausted!) was a big reason their sex life had dwindled so much after having a baby.

"Morning sex is definitely off the cards for a bit after my 8-year-old walked in on us the other day!" says Jenny. "There’s never a good time to have sex once you’ve got kids – there’s always someone within earshot or who walks in unexpectedly when you think they’re asleep!"

And aside from the fear of your kids seeing you in action, for some parents, there's just never a moment in the busy parenting schedule to put aside for intimacy.

"Even now, mine are no longer babies, the demands of home life, work and children, it’s hard not to feel like mum mode all the time," says Stacey. "And it takes more effort for me and my husband to feel like ourselves, and up for sex. I also think if you’re not having sex regularly, it feels like more of a chore, if you don’t use it, you lose it, kind of thing."

And the older they get, the harder it is...

"My 9-year-old is awake until 10pm, so I’m in bed then and my 2-year2old co-sleeps," says Michelle. "I wish we had more time to be affectionate and intimate. I really miss it. But I know that we will get back to it one day. This phase of parent life is tough!"

Expert advice: "Incorporate small moments of romance to help yourself adjust to the idea of intimacy again," says Clio. "Rediscover kissing for kissing’s sake. Take your time. Allow yourself some breathing space to adapt to your new reality and relax with each other. Conversation leads to connection, and connection is really what sex is all about."

"I just don’t want anyone touching me — not even him"

After a day of changing nappies, making packed lunches, hearing the word "mummy" on repeat and having sticky little hands grasping your hair, your face, your boobs... It's no wonder so many mothers complain of the sensation of being "touched out" and needing alone time!

"I often feel completely ‘touched out’, and I just don’t want anyone touching me or needing anything from me," says Maddie. "I love my husband, and he’s very understanding, but I can tell it gets to him."

Expert advice: "Make time for yourself alone! Reconnect with the idea of pleasure for you only," says Clio. "Doing something sans baby (even a walk around the block or coffee with a friend) is so rare as a new parent. Make those moments non-negotiable, and it will help underline the fact that you matter, and so does your pleasure."

If there's one thing all these honest, messy, funny and emotional stories show, it's that there’s no “right” way to feel about sex after having kids. For some couples, it takes a few weeks. For others, it’s months, or even years. And for many, intimacy looks completely different now.

Your body has changed. Your mind is full. Your time is no longer your own. But that doesn’t mean sex is gone forever — just that it might take time, patience, and a little creativity to find a new kind of connection that works for you and your partner.

Whether you're having regular sex, haven't thought about it in months, or aren't sure you ever want to again, you're not broken. You're not alone. And you're doing just fine.

The names of some contributors to this story have been changed to protect their privacy.