Not every day is magical: real mums share the unfiltered truths of post-baby emotions
It’s not all love-at-first-sight moments and blissed-out cuddles. Eight mums open up about the real emotional rollercoaster after birth
We’re told it’s the most magical moment of our lives – the rush of love, the newborn cuddles, the instant bond. And if that’s the case when your baby arrives, then lap up every wonderful minute because for so many new mums, having a baby can feel very, very different.
From the shock of suddenly being responsible for a tiny human, to the deep loneliness that can creep in even when you’ve got a baby constantly by your side, the darker reality of new motherhood isn’t always talked about – and that silence can make new mums feel like they’re the only one struggling.
To help break the stigma of the postpartum struggle, eight amazing mums from our MadeForMums Club opened up about what those early days and weeks really felt like. They talk about everything from not feeling that instant love, to grieving the life they had before, to the struggle of recovering from a traumatic birth while learning how to be a parent at the same time.
Whether it’s your relationship that’s suddenly under strain, feeding journeys that don’t go to plan, or the overwhelming sense of being left to get on with it after leaving hospital – this is the side of post-baby life we need to talk about more. Because you’re not the first mum who’s cried in the shower, googled “am I a bad mum?” at 3am, or wondered why no one warned you it might feel like this – and you certainly won’t be the last.
So, let’s be honest about both the wonderful highs and major lows of the newborn bubble and face them all together, one baby step at a time…
1. It might not be love at first sight – bonding can take days, weeks… or longer
TV shows, magazines and social media would have us all believe that the second your baby is placed on your chest you’ll love them more than life itself, but that may not be the case. In fact, it’s estimated that up to 30% of new mothers don’t feel that sudden rush of love and instead it develops slowly over time.
When you consider the post-birth exhaustion and pain you might be in in the moment you meet your baby, it’s little wonder you might not be feeling 100% favourably towards them – after all giving birth to them is why you currently feel like you’ve been hit by a truck!
The speed of bonding may also depend on how prepared you felt to have a baby, what you’re having to give up in order to become a mother and your personality – some of us just develop relationships and feelings more slowly than others.
“I never felt that rush of love when mine were born,” says Tanya Griffiths. “For me, the love has built over time. When I was pregnant with my first, a colleague of mine told me she didn't feel it with her son, and it took years to develop. I cannot thank her enough for pre-warning me this could happen, so I knew it was not something wrong with me.”
Mum Emma Gatenby agrees: “Everyone says that the moment you first hold your baby you will feel this deep love. I don't think this is true for everyone. I remember feeling ashamed to admit how I felt as then I'd be seen as a failure. As we got to know each other, a couple of weeks in I got that sudden feeling of overwhelming and indescribable love. That feeling has never gone away and we now have the best relationship ever. If you don't feel an instant connection, you aren't alone. Some things take time.”
2. You’re never alone – but you might feel lonelier than ever
You’d think having a super cute little sidekick with you all day (and night!) would mean you couldn’t possibly feel lonely, but many new mums admit that having a newborn can be extremely isolating. After all, your new baby isn’t going to be much of a conversationalist!
“With my first baby I felt really lonely,” says Tefi Pelligrino. “I didn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of people so I would go to a different room to feed and would miss all the interaction. Also, I struggled so much breastfeeding him, it added to my feelings of loneliness.”
You might not realise you’re feeling lonely and isolated until a few weeks or months in, so it’s a good idea to try and plan some small outings or baby classes once the post-birth excitement and exhaustion has passed. The thought of getting out the house with a baby can feel overwhelming, but you’ll be glad you did it afterwards.
“After the first few weeks when everyone wants to come and meet the baby, things start to drop off and it is lonely,” says Hannah Hutchings. “I really had to push myself out my comfort zone and get to baby groups just to find a new group of friends.”
3. Nurturing a newborn might just be the most overwhelming thing you’ll ever do
In your pre-baby life you might have run a company and managed 50 employees or perhaps you worked three jobs, ran marathons and had a full social calendar… so surely taking care of one (or more if you’re a twin or triplet mum) tiny little baby is a doddle?
Many very capable women are amazed by the chaos and complete lack of control they suddenly feel when they have a baby. Poonamis, two-hourly feeding schedules and sleep deprivation can’t be neatly formatted into spreadsheets or timed to fit around your needs, and, at times, it can feel like someone has thrown a grenade into your nicely ordered life.
It's incredibly overwhelming, far more than I expected the first time around. It's a huge change being fully responsible for another person.
“It was not the “hearts and flowers” time that you see on the TV,” says Louisa Hodges. “It was long, hard and absolutely exhausting. Putting this little person first in every single situation is just so much harder than you expect. My husband and I often say that those first six months were both the absolute best and the hardest months of our lives – sometimes it could be both those extremes in just one day!”
4. A new baby can reshape your closest relationships
While you’re navigating a brand-new relationship with your baby – be prepared for the other relationships in your life to be tested or to change. Whether it’s feeling distant from your partner because they don’t share your postpartum emotions, or a strange new rivalry with a sibling because you’re now a mother too or perhaps you already have children and you’re working out how to share the love… it can be hard to accept the new tensions.
“What I found the hardest was the shift in relationship to my other children when I had my 2nd and 3rd babies,” says Hannah Bentley. “When the new baby arrived each time, my other children seemed to grow up overnight. I had to get them to do more, like dressing themselves and settling themselves to sleep, rather than the long bedtime cuddles and stories we enjoyed before. I worried that this shift would exacerbate any jealousy my other children would feel towards the new baby.”
For mum Louisa, the fact her husband didn’t feel the same as her was a source of stress: “It was overwhelming learning to trust new responses to my baby crying or needing food (when I’m a massively insecure person) and then realising that my partner was not feeling those same impulses,” she says. “I assumed that my now husband would have the same immediate bond with our son, but that really didn’t happen for at least a month if not longer. It left me feeling very alone and doubtful if I’d made the right decision.”
5. Your birth experience can have a huge impact on those first few months
No-one quite knows what giving birth is going to look like for them (unless you’re booked in for a planned c-section, and even then, things can change!). Nature, your healthcare professionals, your birthing environment and your baby all come together to dictate the progression of your labour and occasionally things don’t go to plan.
If your birth experience is traumatic or not how you expected, it can have a huge effect on your post-birth emotions and those early days at home with baby.
“Despite an amazing pregnancy and practising mindful breathing techniques, I experienced a fourth-degree tear and a birth injury that ended up in me having an ileostomy operation and being left with a stoma,” says Dina Thachar.
“My entire recovery took well over a year. I wish there was a support system in place at the hospital providing continuity of care and contact with others who had experienced the same situation. I did my own research and found a fourth-degree tear social media group. The women on there were my saving grace – allowing me to feel not so alone.”
6. Feeding your baby can feel like a battlefield
You’d think getting milk into a baby would be the most natural and easy thing in the world, but for many mums it’s so much harder than they could ever have imagined. Whether you choose to breastfeed or bottle feed, feeding your baby is a highly emotional experience. After all, that milk is how you’re keeping them alive and well.
So, if your baby is constantly bringing the milk back up, won’t latch on or is losing weight (there’s nothing quite like being told your baby’s slipping down that centile chart to make you freak out), then feelings of failure can come thick and fast.
“My little one was really unsettled, constantly bringing back up breast milk and had a rash on his face and I couldn’t shake the feeling it was a milk allergy,” says Stacey. “I had wanted breastfeeding to be this magical bonding experience, but for me it was just riddled with guilt. I began to feel like an awful mum – how could I not fix my child, why was he still being sick and the constant reminders from the health visitor that he was losing weight was a kick in the teeth. I feel the first 4 1/2 months were robbed from me as I gave myself the hardest time ever – when I was actually right all along.”
7. You can be grateful and still grieve – adjusting to motherhood can take time
The baby you’ve dreamed of for nine months or more has finally arrived… so why do you feel like you’re grieving? Becoming a mum might happen overnight, but shifting your identity and accepting the “new you” can take a lot longer.
Suddenly you don’t have the freedom to do all the things that made you who you are – your job, your hobbies, your social engagements and it’s OK to really miss your old life. The good news is, it’s not forever and one day you’ll even look back on the newborn bubble wistfully.
I have ‘grieved’ the loss of my old life. But now my son is 6 I am now starting to feel like me again – but it’s taken a long time to get here!
It might not just be your life that you grieve for either – you’ll have a new body to get used to at the same time and that can take some adjustment.
“With both of my babies I loved my pregnant body and the instant after I gave birth I hated my body,” says Tefi. “It was hard dealing with this together with the feeling of loss of self.”
Of course, amongst all these lows there are just as many incredible highs, and those first smiles, the smell of your newborn’s skin and the super cute newborn yawns are what all mums are remembering when they talk about the newborn magic.
So, soak it all up, accept it’s a wild ride that you’ll never forget and when things get too tough remember you’re not alone and there’s plenty of help out there – you just need to ask for it.