25 best movie lines about parenting

From the tearjerkers to the comedy gold, we’ve found the best quotes from movies about parenting ever*

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(*well, we think so!)

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“He’s your son until dawn”

Mufasa, The Lion King

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“I had to go to four different stores to buy four different kinds of formula. Three different kinds of diapers, bottles, towels, you have no idea how much crap these kids need.”

Peter Mitchell, 3 Men and a Baby

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“You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it… to see if you actually brushed your teeth… or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.”

Buck Russell, Uncle Buck

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“I don’t care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.”

Kate McCallister, Home Alone

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Stu: “So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?”
Alan: “What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.”

Stu Price and Alan Garner, The Hangover

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“Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!”

Billy Mack, Love Actually

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“Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he’s not moving or speaking.”

Sonny, Big Daddy

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“C’mon, Dad’s in charge now, you can… eat candy for breakfast, sleep in, wear shoes in the house, it’ll be great!”

Tom, Cheaper by the Dozen

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“You know, some parents, when they’re angry, they get along much better when they don’t live together. They don’t fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you.”

Mrs Doubtfire, Mrs Doubtfire

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“Don’t you take that tone of voice with me young lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you’ll obey my rules!”

King Tritan, The Little Mermaid

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“No. No, you’re not a bad mother. You’re just a barking lunatic.”

Will, About a Boy

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“Frankly darling, given my time again I’m not quite sure that I would have had children.”

Pamela Jones, Bridget Jones’s Diary

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“I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don’t be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.”

Mrs George, Mean Girls

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Molly: “Your sons flew that enchanted car of yours to Surrey and back last night.”
Arthur: [to the boys] “Did you really? How did it go?” 
Arthur: [after Molly hits him] “I mean, that was very wrong indeed, boys. Very wrong of you.”

Molly and Arthur Weasley, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

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“I’m the lord of my castle, the sovereign, the liege! I treat my subjects, servants, children, wife with a firm but gentle hand, noblesse oblige. It’s 6:03, and the heirs to my dominion are scrubbed and tubbed, and added, quickly fed. And so I’ll pat them on the head, and send them off to bed. Ah, lordly is the life I lead! Winifred, where are the children?”

Mr Banks, Mary Poppins

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“It’s tough being dad”

Richard ‘Rick’ O’Connell, The Mummy Returns

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The King: “I can’t understand it. There must be one who’d make a suitable mother”
Grand Duke: “Shh. Sire.”
The King: “Er, a suitable wife.”

The King and the Grand Duke, Cinderella

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“I don’t know where she gets it from. Her mother wasn’t nearly so picky.”

Sultan, Aladdin

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“I met my father for the first time when I was 28 years old. I made up my mind that when I had children, my children were going to know who their father was.”

Christopher Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness

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“You know, I never wanted to be a mom. Sharing it with you… that’s one thing. It’s another to be looking over my shoulder for the next 20 years, knowing someone else would have done it better… someone else would have done it right.”

Isabel, Stepmom

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“He’s playing fetch… with my kids… he’s treating my kids like they’re dogs.”

Debbie, Knocked Up

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“You fathers will understand. You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never have imagined. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. Then comes the day when she wants to get her ears pierced, and wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. From that moment on you’re in a constant panic. You worry about her meeting the wrong kind of guy, the kind of guy who only wants one thing, and you know exactly what that one thing is, because it’s the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then, you stop worrying about her meeting the wrong guy, and you worry about her meeting the right guy.”

George Banks, Father of the Bride

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“Fiona, try to be reasonable. Have you seen a baby lately? All they do is eat and poop, and then they cry, and they cry when they poop, and poop when they cry. Now imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry, and they extra poop.”

Shrek, Shrek the Third

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“His and hers kids. No offense, Mom, but this arrangement really sucks.”

Hallie (as twin sister Annie), The Parent Trap

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“You kids wanna pick your nose and flick your boogers? Do it! […] But do it only when it’s dry. Don’t do a wet one.”

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Bernie Focker, Little Fockers

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