We SO feel for this dad that we can practically SMELL every detail of his story – because who hasn’t had to deal with a toddler who has discovered that not only can they remove their own nappy, but – yay! – they can wipe the contents everywhere too…
The look on his face says it all, right? Not to mention the muck on the push-along, the curtains, the window frame…
So here’s what happened, in dad Jesse’s own words – which he shared in a hilarious but oh-gosh-read-from-behind-a-cushion Facebook post:
“So I was having a pretty good day. Dropped the boy off at school, worked out, let the dogs outside and began chilling like a boss in my man cave in the basement.
“Mayra was out teaching her workout class, Alessandra was sleep in her room and the dogs were outside. I had the house to myself and I was taking full advantage of watching unimpeded YouTube videos.
“I decided I wanted a piece of the chocolate cake we made for Jesse’s Cub Scout thing the other day, so I made my way up to the main floor.
“As I’m going upstairs I smell something foul. I scan the basement from the stairs thinking the dogs dropped a deuce before I let them outside. I see nothing….. And then my blood runs cold when I realise the stink is coming from the upper floor.
“I run up the stairs screaming no, no, no, no, till I get to Alessandra’s room.
“There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap. I’m not talking a little poop here and there on her.
“I’m talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face and HAIR. It’s bad. It’s worse than any other time she decided to explore in her diaper.
“I was tempted to close her door, wait till Mayra got home and pretend like I was sleep so she would have to deal with it. But yesterday was Mexican mothers day and I didn’t want to be a d**k.
“There is literally no good place to pick my daughter up to get her to the bath, so I just knock the baby gate over so she can walk out on her own terms.
“Instead of walking out of her room she smiles up at me and extends her arms for me to pick her up. I yell Hell No. After a brief stare off she walks out of her room, pass me and heads down the stairs.
“At this point I’m forced to pick her up because the bath wasn’t down stairs. I use 2 fingers on both hands to lift her by her armpits and I shuffle the 2 of us off to the bathroom.
“The whole time she’s in the tub she tries to touch me with her sh*t covered hands and I scream like a pre-pubescent girl and dodge her.
“After 20 minutes I pick all the crap out of her hair, bottom of her feet and everywhere in between.
“Now it’s time to step foot in her room.
“Mind you I haven’t even looked in her room yet because when I first got to her room Alessandra was standing there like a sh*t-covered bridge troll. I thought she had pooped in her diaper and got it on herself…… But it was so much worse.
“I walk in her room slowly and am greeted with a scene straight out of a German fetish dream. Everything on the right side of the room is covered in steaming baby crap.
“The walls, the toys, the windows, the curtains, the play bench, the floor, the baby piano, my hopes, all covered in crap. It looked like a real category 5 sh*t storm blew thru her room. Hurricane Shitrina if you will. I have no clue where to start. So I call Mayra.
“She’s on her way back home and I’m on my way to lighting the house on fire. I won’t get into anymore graphic details but 2 rolls of paper towels, 5 stolen gym towels, 1 bottle of pinsole, 1 bottle of bleach, 1 big bag of crap covered toys and 2 1/2 hours later her room still smells like a dumpster fire.
“I swear I do everything I can to show these kids I love them but they turn on me when I least expect it. Alessandra is my favourite daughter but my 2nd favourite kid right now.
“Anyway, I write these trials and tribulations of mine to not only do my part to spread written contraception and to strike fear in the hearts of new parents but also to remind myself that no matter what I’m going thru, at least I’m not cleaning hot baby crap out of the gears of my daughter’s play set again.
“Enjoy the pictures.”
Oh we HAVE, Jesse, we have!
Do you feel Jesse’s pain, too? Do share your 5* poonami tales in the comments or on Facebook.
Pics: Jesse Mab-Phea Hill/Facebook