Coping with a contrary toddler

Advice on coping with trying toddler behaviour


Toddlers. Don’t you just love ’em? One minute they’re contented little angels, the next, they’re refusing to walk and want the buggy, won’t get dressed and prefer your bed to theirs (despite sleeping in it happily for the past year). “Contrary toddlers are very common, in fact I remember it well with my three little ones,” says Judy Reith, parent coach and director of Parenting People (


“Tots throwing a wobbly over things they’ve been perfectly fine with in the past can stem from a need for attention. In their eyes they would rather have a fight with you than be ignored, so sometimes they act up.” If your little one has just discovered how to play up, we’re here to help, whatever the problem.


The problem: Wanting to go in the buggy again

You’ve got your coats on, heading out the door, and suddenly it seems your tot’s legs have stopped working and she wants to be in the pushchair again.

“Regression back to wanting to be a baby again is an all too familiar scenario,” says Judy. “It’s common if you’ve got a new baby, and your toddler sees a younger sibling being carried and pushed around, as in her eyes the smaller child is getting a lot more of your time than she is.”

Keep the situation light and breezy and turn leaving the house into a game. Ask her to beat you to the front gate so she’s happy to play with you, use her legs and forget she wants the buggy. You could also try talking about what she’ll be doing once she’s walked to your destination, for example saying, ‘When we get to Granny’s house, we’ll play with the dollies together,’ – it will give her something else to focus on.

Teddy bears are being sent on holiday

The problem: Asking to come in your bed

If your tot’s been happily sleeping in her own room but suddenly starts wanting to be in your bed, you need to decide whether you mind or not. “Climbing into your bed is usually down to a child having a nightmare and waking up upset,” explains Judy. “If you’re happy to let her stay in with you on the odd occasion, then fine. But if not, it’s important to make a stand, and stick with it.”

Don’t try to reason with a tired, confused toddler in the middle of the night. Simply pick her up, have a quick cuddle and carry her back to her own room.

“Don’t ask your toddler what the problem is, just scoop her up and pop her back into bed, making it clear with actions, rather than words, that your bed is not an option,” Judy says. “If she says she’s had a bad dream, don’t discuss it. Just sit with her until she drifts off.”

After 18 months a toddler’s vocabulary increases at an average rate of six words a day

The problem: Not sharing any more

“If your toddler‘s decided she doesn’t want friends to play with her toys, it’s time to sit down together and have a bit of a chat, explaining that in your family you share your things and are nice to others,” says Judy. “Avoid tears over this by being three steps ahead when you know friends are coming around to play.”

Discuss with your toddler that she’s allowed to keep some toys upstairs just for her to play with. This one is all about communication, making sure your toddler knows that she has to share and be social, but compromise if she has a certain toy she really is precious about to save a tantrum.

As you toddler’s smaller movements become controlled she may be able to feed herself using cutlery at mealtimes.

The problem: Asking to be fed

Toddlers chomping away happily (albeit making a mess) and then suddenly putting down their cutlery and asking you to feed them is a common occurrence in many households. “I had this with mine, and rest assured it will blow over quickly,” says Judy. “It’s another issue where your little one is wanting to regress back to being a baby, where perhaps she’s seen you feeding a younger baby in the house and wants you to do that for her too.”

Create a level of expectation at teatime and encourage her to feed herself. For example, ask her to let you know when she’s eaten five peas from her plate so she can see you’re focusing on her.


“Think how you as an adult eat at the table,” says Doctor Gill Harris of the Infant and Toddler Forum ( “You don’t sit there in silence staring at a wall, you interact with others, read, or perhaps watch television, so make sure your tot isn’t sat on her own, bored. Instead keep her interested and alert during mealtimes so she enjoys sharing the experience with you.”

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