What to do when your overactive toddler is wearing you out

What can you do if your little one won’t sit still for a second and you’re at your wits’ end? Help is at hand

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Whether it’s waking you all up at 5am ready for another day, playing up at mealtimes or not winding down for bed, having an overactive toddler who just won’t sit still is hard work. All children are different, but it’s not unusual for a little one to be ‘up and at ’em’ all day long, says parenting expert Dr Miriam Stoppard, OBE. “Toddlers have oodles of energy, so it’s not really fair to call them overactive, I prefer curious, or alert. Being on the go is what they do best,” she says. But if you really think your little one could do with slowing down a little at certain times of the day, here’s how…

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Your toddler probably no longer wants to nap in the morning, but she still needs a good sleep after lunch.

When she’s waking too early

Green with envy when your pal says her tot slept in until 7am, while your toddler seems to want to beat the dawn chorus with her wake-up time? It’s time to shift your expectations a little, says Miriam Stoppard. “The person it’s ‘early’ for is the parent – to your tot there’s nothing abnormal about it.” So if it’s not beyond the realms of normality for your tot to be awake, it might be that you have to revisit what you see as acceptable.

However, if it still feels like the middle of the night (e.g. 4 or 5am) when she wants to start the day, there’s plenty you can do to encourage her to stay in her bed or room, says Miriam.

How to slow her down

  • “As soon as you think she’s ready, explain to her why you’d like her to try and stay in bed and invest in a special alarm clock that shows when it’s an acceptable time to come and see you,” says Miriam.
  • “Involving her in the timing of things brings her into the solution you’re aiming for. Let her know she can get out of bed, but needs to stay in her room until the clock changes.”
  • Make sure she realises if she’s up and in her room, she’s allowed to play with her toys or read her books.
  • You could set up a system whereby when the clock says she can come in and see you, she tells you what she’s been doing (or you ask her). Being interested will encourage her in the behaviour you’re after.
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When she’s manic mid-morning

Do your pals’ little ones lay down for a nap at 11am while your toddler’s nowhere near nodding off? If she’s still running around after a morning of play, you’ll be at your wits’ end.

How to slow her down

  • First of all, look at your routine – if you’re going from playtime or the garden to expecting her to just lie down and nap, that could be why she’s not keen. “Introduce some calm, quiet activities, like story-reading cuddled up on the sofa or doing a jigsaw together,” says health visitor Maggie Fisher.
  • “Or try ‘watching the teddy’ – lie your toddler down with her favourite soft toy on her tummy. Then ask her to breathe slowly so her tummy rises and falls, moving the toy at the same time. This deep breathing should slow her down. Play some soothing classical music as well.”
  • Look at how you’re spending playtime too, as maybe you haven’t been active enough with her. “Being out in the fresh air stimulates the production of melatonin, a natural sedative, and could help your toddler sleep better,” says Maggie Fisher. She won’t go from play to rest quickly, no active play at all means she’ll still be energetic.
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When she won’t settle for lunch

Food on her face, the floor – everywhere except in her tummy! If that’s a regular mealtime with your tot, your worry turns to whether she’s eating enough.

But it’s not just a case of her being too manic to eat or too energetic to want to sit down. Winding down from morning play to meals isn’t an instant move. “There’s no reason why we should expect a small child to observe adult mealtime etiquette, really,” says Miriam Stoppard. “It’s a big ask of such a small person.” So how do you get some sense of order?

How to slow her down

  • “The best way to help your tot calm down at mealtimes is for you all to eat together as a family,” says Miriam. “If you’re at the table with your child, she won’t feel the need to misbehave to get your attention.”
  • “If she still won’t sit and eat with you all, it’s time to introduce a warning system,” says Miriam. “You can tell her you’ll count to five and if she’s not sitting still then she’ll have to leave the table and go to the naughty step,” she says. “Give her one more chance after the first count, but then implement the move.” You have to be firm too, or she’ll just think it’s another game.
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Children learn from repetition and by reading the same book over and over again

When she won’t wind down

If she’s been awake all day and still won’t settle, she’s heading into overtired territory. The more exhausted a child’s brain, the less likely she’ll be able to recognise when to chill out. The end result is usually tears.

“When a child won’t settle at the end of the day, she’s not used up enough energy during the day,” says Miriam Stoppard. “Her energy is still bubbling away! It’s not about your night-time ritual not calming her down, she’s simply not tired enough.”

How to slow her down

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  • The first point of call is still a good bedtime ritual, says Miriam. “Bath, pyjamas on, a story, then straight into bed. You can use a soft reading light or even music,” she says. “But then you leave! I find calling out and clumping downstairs can help – toddlers like to be able to hear you’re still around while they settle.”
  • It can be really disturbing for a child when another parent comes home and wants to see her. Of course, whoever isn’t the main carer will want a goodnight kiss when they get in from work. But it’s up to the parent to adjust his or her schedule. Having certain nights where one parent is home by a certain time is the best way to solve it. Don’t keep your tot up or wake her up to fit your schedule, it’s not fair.

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