What your toddler really wants to do!

From swearing in front of your friends to flushing your make up down the toilet, here are all the things the little voice in your toddler’s head is willing him to do…

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You will learn a naughty word and use it in conversation

The best way to add some ‘flavour’ to your everyday conversation is to introduce a smattering of rude words. Listen out next time daddy’s joking with his mate on the phone, or when mummy’s shouting at him for leaving his stinky socks by the bed – you’re bound to hear some new and exciting words to use. The key to making a rude word ‘stick’ is to use it in a sentence in general conversation. Perhaps on your first visit to a new playgroup you could put your hands over your ears and shout, ‘There’s a f***ing din in here, mummy. Let’s go’

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You will flush something valuable down the toilet

Just because you’re not toilet-trained, it doesn’t mean you can’t use the loo in some way. Next time mummy’s back is turned, why not carry out a few experiments? You’ll soon discover it’s the greatest toy ever… especially if mummy’s on a water meter.

The two best things about playing with the toilet are: 1) the splash you get when you drop an item in the water. 2) The way the item disappears forever as soon as you’ve pushed down on the handle or pressed the little button on the top of the loo. Better go and get something else to drop in there.

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You will lock mummy out of the house

You think you know mummy – but do you really? A true test of her character is to find out how she copes in a crisis. Why not slam the door shut on her next time she’s bringing in the shopping? She’ll quickly realise she’s locked out without her keys, purse, mobile phone – and that you’re inside. Top tip: Cry loudly to make her stress levels rocket.

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You will explore the DVD player

Next time mummy’s removing her disc from the DVD player, watch carefully to find out which button causes the small tray to pop out. If you pull the tray hard enough, you might be able to get it out in one go. Failing that, why not work out what you can put on top of the tray to feed into the machine? A large rice cake fits perfectly.

Give it a quick suck around the edges before putting it on the tray, to make sure it sticks. Beads, flower heads and the sponge from inside mummy’s powder compact are also worth trying. The humble jam sandwich, cut up small, can usually be relied on to work. You might have to squash it down a bit though.

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You will sit at the top of a slide and refuse to budge

The top of a slide is the most powerful position in the entire playground. Not only can you survey everything from this vantage point, but you also have the power to bring all sliding activity to a complete halt for as long as you choose to do so. Mummy will try to reach up and grab you – retreat further back to avoid her arms. This will force mummy to come up and get you.

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The moment mummy gets to you is the perfect time to set off down the slide.

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