Pregnancy & Birth Clubs <
17/05/2016 at 11:15
I am feeling very alone and distraught so hoping some lovely people out there may be able to offer some advice.
I came off the pill in January as I have PCOS and I wanted to get some hormone tests done to find out how fertile I was. I turn 33 this year and do want children so it was important to me to know. My husband was in full support of me coming off the pill to check my health. However, when I said I would be ready to start trying to a family he said he wasn't ready and wanted to use condoms. We talked about whether he wanted children for sure, and he said he felt he did and couldn't imagine being 80 and not having kids. His main concern was lifestyle change and he worried he wasn't ready for it.
We decided I would use ovulation test sticks and we would be careful about which times of the month we slept together. This was going ok for a month or so, then he got worried and thought maybe he should be pulling out. I clearly wasn't ovulating at the time but he was still worried. We had another conversation about kids and he reassured me he had 'always wanted them' but just not yet.
A couple of months passed and as time went by we were sleeping together less and less. In fact by April we weren't at all and things had obviously become tense. I found out my PCOS diagnosis was still true but that I may have ovulated one month.
I think this was the final straw for my husband, who one Friday night decided to send me a text message (yes) to say he was freaking out and didn't know if he ever wanted children, and didn't know how to tell me. The reasoning was all the same - he felt he liked the idea of us creating a child on a biological level, he didn't want to be 80 and not have kids, but he couldn't imagine dealing with the lifestyle change. It was a crisis point for our relationship, and he hated seeing the pain and upset it caused me.
We decided to go to marriage counselling and he said he wanted to explore why he felt like this, because he wasn't 100% sure and his thoughts were all over the place, he was very conflicted.
One week later I missed my period.
I took a pregnancy test thinking there was no possible way I could be pregnant - we weren't even sleeping together! It was positive.
Cue: breakdown of mine and his world ....
This couldn't have been worse timing, like a bizarre twist of fate. But I obviously did want children and was worried about my fertility so whilst I am utterly shocked and in denial, part of me does want to continue with the pregnancy.
The other part is distraught, miserable, anxious and terrified he is going to leave me. I can't do this on my own. He is still conflicted and now also in a state of sheer panic and turmoil.
I know I have limited time to make a decision about whether to carry on or whether to terminate. A lot of my feelings are being influenced by his negative attitude and fear ... I think if he was happy and excited I would be able to do this.
I have heard some men freak out even when they had planned a pregnancy with their wives, but then come round later on. I also know people who were anti-kids but now have and love their children.
We are still going to go to counselling together but there isn't time to sort this for months on end and I have to make a decision.
What are the chances he will come round? Does he really sound like someone who absolutely doesn't want kids, or is it just fear and normal?
Any help would be much appreciated, this has been one of the darkest weeks of my life and I know it should be a happy thing. x
17/05/2016 at 13:06
Hey sorry to hear you're so stressed out . but first off congratulations on being pregnant! you should be allowed to feel excited, loved, and overjoyed right now but I know you're probably are not feeling any of those emotions because of the stress that's going on. My significant other and I we're not planning our first child butt he happened anyways. we had already been together for 7 years we were both scared out of our minds I wanted children he was not so sure he did. He definitely was not ready to have a child yet but I told him I was strongly against abortion for myself but I am pro-choice for other people. I knew in my heart that this baby was the right decision for me it took him a few days to process but he came around. at the time we didn't have our own place together he wasn't even working but this forced us to strengthen our relationship and get a move on with our lives. now that baby is two and a half years old and I just found out we're expecting our second. In the long run whether my boyfriend supported me or not I cannot imagine not having my son in my life. I swear I did not have a mothering bone in my body and I was scared nervous anxious, anything but overjoyed but as months went on and the storm settled I started to feel my little boy moving around inside of me and I felt excited and loved and I knew that he and I were meant to be no matter what. try to remember to not just do what's best for your partner but to do what's best for you and your child whether that will be not having the child or whether that be you raising your child on your own or together. The father of the child is responsible whether he decides to father or not and you will be able to do it on your own if you have to. it won't be easy I have a few friends who parent on their own and I can't imagine doing it myself but I also can't imagine not having my son . best of luck to you I will talk to you anytime you want.(hugs sent ur way mama)
18/05/2016 at 00:30
I can understand that you want your husband's support but don't let it be all about him,all this stress can damage the baby or cause problems.
If you had reduce sex then it's possible you were pregnant your last period, because pcos can cause random bleeding in pregnancy.
It is much harder to get pregnant with pcos so this could be your one chance for many years of having that child you dream of.
Nothing is more special than the love and joys of being an mother.
I hope he doesn't make you do something you'd regret. My life would be empty without my little boy in it x
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