Getting Pregnant <
Trying to conceive
17/06/2014 at 11:23
As the title says really, what is your response to people when they ask when you're having a baby or make comments like 'you'll be next' especially if you've been trying a while? I know people don't mean any harm when saying these things but as you will know, when ttc for a long time comments like this are like taking a bullet! I had someone at work yesterday telling me to have a baby because the maternity pay is so good, I just laughed and said mabye but inside I was screaming!
The problem I have I think is because I have been married nearly 3 years and lived in our house for 2 people are expecting it to happen and as we have been trying I don't feel I can make excuses anymore (like before if people asked I could say things like 'we need get the house sorted first' or 'a few more holidays first')!
Please tell me your responses or ideas!
17/06/2014 at 11:53
I'm sarcastic so I'm not sure this would work for you but my response is - "yeah, the stork is dropping it off tomorrow" - that usually finishes the conversation and it never comes up again.
Regarding the response from yesterday, unless it was a good friend, I'd be more inclined to say "yeah, good maternity pay is definitely the no1 reason to have a baby!" (although, that probably sounds mean!)
Maybe you could be breezy in your responses and say "ah, we'll get started sometime soon - no rush"
Not sure if that helps - I'm the kinda person that very little people would even dream of saying it to me - they know they'd get a smart response so there's no point.
17/06/2014 at 11:56
I always used to make a joke and say "We're too busy to even make a baby, let alone have a baby!". We had a crazy busy life at the time, so luckily it made sense and people tended to drop it.
We're getting questions about the next one now and I just scoff it off and say it's too soon, whereas H has started telling people we want two years between them, which I'd rather he didn't say as I hate knowing that people are scrutinising me every time we go somewhere.
I'd do as tayto suggested and say "oh, one day".
17/06/2014 at 12:57
I am do fed up of this at the moment! We've been together for several years, but we only got married earlier this year so people seem to feel it's OK to say 'so, babies next', but what they don't know is, we have been sort of trying for the past 18 months, our family plans were underway before our wedding plans, so when they come out with remarks like that, I just want to scream.
How I respond generally depends on my mood at that particular time. Sometimes I give a 'hmm, we will see', other times I will just ignore them/ start talking about something else (usually my dog), other times I get a bit nasty and say something like ' glad you're so sorted that you have time to worry about me'. That is saved for the very rudest of people though. My husband works away, and when he is back, he works shifts, so some of the old naggs at work had commented that they would be surprised if we actually ever got round to doing the deed. They were only joking, but I fully laid into them, it just made me feel like a lab rat, knowing that even if in jest, my sex life had crossed their minds. Definitely not cool.
Not sure I have helped at all, but at least you know you aren't the only one screaming inside Lulu!! xx
17/06/2014 at 14:23
Thanks ladies, I think I'll try the breezy approach going foward although I do like the comment about the stork lol!
Mildred - Sorry you are having a long journey and omg about the old naggs at work that is awful! xx
17/06/2014 at 14:52
I've developed a thick layer of skin over the years I've had too! Been TTC a whole 4 years now so if I let every comment upset me I'd be a wreck most of the time lol! I don't think the majority of people understand what they are saying, but you do get some that are just damn right rude and ignorant.
17/06/2014 at 15:38
The general public just seem to think if you want a baby you can have one, they really don't think they are doing any harm. I mainly got comments from the IL's which used to get my back up but I just tried to completely put them off the scent by saying we didn't want them yet or we were going travelling (which we were planning to do if clomid didn't work before IVF). It really used to get to me and to be honest I don't think there's anything I could have done to not let it get to me. I didn't want people to know, so I just laughed it off or said 'no way' sort of thing. X
17/06/2014 at 16:01
Although we have only been trying for 2 cycles we have been planning talking about it for a while but I don't want people IRL to know so I just say 'oh no not for me' or something along the lines of 'not yet' it is hard though as like other have said everyone seems to think as soon as you want a baby you can just have one so we can't be trying as I'm not pregnant.
17/06/2014 at 16:25
Brownie and Rosco that is it everyone thinks it is so easy! I've ended up telling a few people as I can't stand it anymore lol but people at work I don't want knowing so will just have to blag it!
Claire - I didn't realise your journey had been that long everything crossed for Setember for you! I think I need to grow a pair lol, like you say I don't want to be a mess with every comment!
17/06/2014 at 16:50
Thank you Lulu. Weirdly it doesn't seem that long, I've sort of discounted the years trying before our IVF. It's like that time didn't exsist which I know sounds odd. I think being diagnosed with infertility has certainly made me stronger as a person and I've gone though it all, everyone falling pregnant before me, family friends, including my sister in law who is currently 13 weeks pregnant with twins! (She also had IVF) You get your bad days but you just have to get on with it. I believe we will all acheive our dreams, some of us just take that bit longer. You only need to be part of the DTTC camp to realise that, and I know all of you will get there too. x
17/06/2014 at 17:28
the odd thing about the question is that I think most people don't actually want an answer. my response tends to vary depending on who has asked. When someone senior at work asked in a social setting i said that's private and quickly moved on. otherwise i tend to stick with haven't decided yet or we'll see.
18/06/2014 at 08:52
I try not to always take it as sensitively, like I say, the woman I snapped at works from our office and is just really rude and she caught me on a daft day. Ordinarily I would be mortified if I was so horrid to someone but OH working away has been difficult for both of us these past few months, We are finding it hard enough as it is without other people reminding us how difficult it must be.
I know what you mean Veecee, for some people I have no idea why they ask, it's like they feel they should say something, but I don't know why. I have never been compelled to just ask someone!!
18/06/2014 at 11:08
I always just say 'God no, not for a few years yet!' and try to ignore how it makes me feel inside. I've kept this up over the last few months too, when I tell work at the weekend they are all going to fall over!
18/06/2014 at 13:03
This is something I didn't particularly experience pre-M - except for comments on our wedding day. But after she was born, people started asking us about was there going to be a 2nd baby. Both of us just brushed off comments as neither of us wanted to say no, then if we did fall pregnant it seem like it wasn't planned. H has had loads of questions recently at work from friends (as another teacher is pregnant it seems to have set them off), he keeps coming home and telling me I'm so tempted to just reply, yes, we're having lots of sex is that what you wanted to know.
18/06/2014 at 15:59
Thanks all, think I need to stop taking the comments so personally. Your comments are all really helpful so thank you :-)
18/06/2014 at 19:43
I always blamed my husband. Everyone knew how much I wanted children and have done since I was a teenager so there was no point trying to make out I didn't
Whenever anyone asked I'd say 'oh you'd have to ask H - soon as he's ready I guess' (my poor husband!)
20/06/2014 at 08:55
21/06/2014 at 11:00
For me it depended on who asked. Most people I just smiled/laughed and said 'one day'. Sometimes I would say 'oh you can't plan these things'. For a few people I was sarky but I can't remember exactly what I said now. A friend of mine uses the line 'I'm planning on steeling one actually. It will be much easier that way, don't you think?' She says it very seriously, Which seems to stop people in their tracks!
20/12/2017 at 00:11
Hi I’m in a similar situation... lately I feel like everyone around me is having babies! I feel so left behind! Outside composed... inside screaming and wondering why... trying and praying that we get good news...but every month disappointment with a period! The expectation is there because it‘s Been three year now some of my family have stopped asking and I partly thankful but partly sad! All I can say is keep smiling and keep trying and we will have our own bundle of joy x
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